Papers of the Winthrop Family, Volume 1
1637-01
In my youth I was very lewdly disposed, inclining unto and attempting (so far as my yeares enabled mee) all kind of wickednesse, except swearing and scorning religion, which I had no temptation unto in regard of my education. About ten years of age, I had some notions of God, for in some great frighting or danger, I have prayed unto God, and have found manifest answer; the remembrance whereof many yeares after made mee think that God did love mee, but it made mee no whit the better:
After I was 12. yeares old, I began to have some more savour of Religion, and I thought I had more understanding in Divinity then many of my yeares; for in reading of some good books I conceived, that I did know divers of those points before, though I knew not how I should come by such knowledge (but since I perceived it was out of some logicall principles, whereby out of some things I could conclude others) yet I was still very wild, and dissolute, and as years came on my lusts grew stronger, but yet under some restraint of my naturall reason; whereby I had the command of my self that I could turne into any form. I would as occasion required write letters etc. of meer vanity; and if occasion were I could write others of savory and godly counsell.
154About 14 years of age, being in Cambridge2 I fell into a lingring feaver, which took away the comfort of my life. For being there neglected, and despised, I went up and down mourning with myself; and being deprived of my youthfull joyes, I betook my self to God whom I did believe to bee very good and mercifull, and would welcome any that would come to him, especially such a yongue soule, and so well qualifyed as I took my self to bee; so as I took pleasure in drawing neer to him. But how my heart was affected with my sins, or what thoughts I had of Christ I remember not. But I was willing to love God, and therefore I thought hee loved mee. But so soon as I recovered my perfect health, and met with somewhat els to take pleasure in, I forgot my former acquaintance with God, and fell to former lusts, and grew worse then before. Yet some good moodes I had now, and then, and sad checks of my naturall Conscience, by which the Lord preserved mee from some foule sins, which otherwise I had fallen into. But my lusts were so masterly as no good could fasten upon mee, otherwise then to hold mee to some task of ordinary dutyes for I cared for nothing but how to satisfy my voluptuous heart.
About 18 yeares of age (being a man in stature, and in understanding as my parents conceived mee) I married into a family under Mr. Culverwell his ministry in Essex; and living there sometimes I first found the ministry of the word to come to my heart with power (for in all before I found onely light) and after that I found the like in the ministry of many others. So as there began to bee some change which I perceived in my self, and others took notice of. Now I began to come under strong excersises of Conscience: (yet by fits only) I could no longer dally with Religion. God put my soule to sad tasks sometimes, which yet the flesh would shake off, 156and outweare still. I had withall many sweet invitations which I would willingly have intertained, but the flesh would not give up her interest. The mercifull Lord would not thus bee answered, but notwithstanding all my stubbornesse, and unkind rejections of mercy, hee left mee not till hee had overcome my heart to give up itself to him, and to bid farewell to all the world, and untill my heart could answer, Lord what wilt thou have mee to doe?
Now came I to some peace and comfort in God and in his wayes, my cheif delight was therein, I loved a Christian, and the very ground hee went upon. I honoured a faythful minister in my heart and could have kissed his feet: Now I grew full of zeal (which outranne my knowledge and carried mee sometimes beyond my calling) and very liberall to any good work. I had an unsatiable thirst after the word of God and could not misse a good sermon, though many miles off, especially of such as did search deep into the conscience. I had also a great striveing in my heart to draw others to God. It pittyed my heart to see men so little to regard their soules, and to despise that happines which I knew to bee better then all the world besides, which stirred mee up to take any opportunity to draw men to God, and by successe in my endeavors I took much encouragement hereunto. But those affections were not constant but very unsetled. By these occasions I grew to bee of some note for religion (which did not a little puffe mee up) and divers would come to mee for advice in cases of conscience; and if I heard of any that were in trouble of mind I usually went to comfort them; so that upon the bent of my spirit this way and the successe I found of my endeavors, I gave up my selfe to the study of Divinity, and intended to enter into the ministry, if my freinds had not diverted mee.
But as I grew into employment and credit thereby; so I grew also in pride of my guifts, and under temptations which sett mee on work to look to my evidence more narrowly then I had done before (for the great change which God had wrought in mee, and the generall approbation of good ministers and other Christians, kept mee from makeing any great question of my good estate, though my secrett corruptions, and some tremblings of heart (which was greatest when I was among the most Godly persons) put me to some plunges; but especially when I perceived a great decay in my zeale and love, etc.) And hearing sometimes of better assurance by the seale of the spirit, which I also knew by the word of God, but could not, nor durst say that ever I had it; and finding by reading of Mr. Perkins3 and 157other books that a reprobate might (in appearance) attaine to as much as I had done: finding withall much hollownes and vaine glory in my heart, I began to grow very sad, and knew not what to doe, I was ashamed to open my case to any minister that knew mee; I feared it would shame my self and religion also, that such an eminent professour as I was accounted, should discover such corruptions as I found in my selfe, and had in all this time attained no better evidence of salvation; and I should prove a hypocrite it was too late to begin anew: I should never repent in truth having repented, so oft as I had done. It was like hell to mee to think of that in Hebr: 6.4 Yet I should sometimes propound questions afarre off to such of the most Godly ministers as I mett, which gave mee ease for the present, but my heart could not find where to rest; but I grew very sad, and melancholy; and now to hear others applaud mee was a dart through my liver; for still I feared I was not sound at the root, and sometimes I had thoughts of breaking from my profession, and proclaiming myself an Hipocrite. But those troubles came not all at once but by fits, for sometimes I should find refreshing in prayer, and sometimes in the love that I had had to the Saints: which though it were but poor comfort (for I durst not say before the Lord that I did love them in truth) yet the Lord upheld mee, and many times outward occasions put these feares out of my thoughts. And though I had knowne long before the Doctrine of free Justification by Christ and had often urged it upon my owne soul and others, yet I could not close with Christ to my satisfaction. I have many times striven to lay hold upon Christ in some promise and have brought forth all the arguments that I had for my part in it. But insteed of finding it to bee mine, I have lost sometimes the fayth of the very general truth of the promise, sometimes after much striveing by prayer for fayth in Christ, I have thought I had received some power to apply Christ unto my soule: but it was so doubtfull as I could have little comfort in it, and it soon vanished.
Upon these and the like troubles, when I could by no meanes attaine sure and setled peace; and that which I did get was still broken off upon every infirmity; I concluded there was no way to help it, but by walking more close with God and more strict observation of all dutyes; and hereby though I put myself to many a needlesse task, and deprived my self of many lawfull comforts, yet my peace would fayle upon every small occasion, 158and I was held long under great bondage to the Law (sinne, and humble myself; and sinne, and to humiliation again, and so day after day) yet neither got strength to my Sanctification nor betterd my Evidence, but was brought to such bondage, as I durst not use any recreation, nor meddle with any worldly businesse etc.: for feare of breaking my peace (which even such as it was, was very preteous to mee) but this would not hold neither, for then I grew very melancholy and mine own thoughts wearied mee, and wasted my spirits.
While I wandred up and downe in this sad and doubtful estate (wherein yet I had many intermissions, for the flesh would often shake off this yoake of the law, but was still forced to come under it again) wherein my greatest troubles were not the sense of Gods wrath or fear of damnation, but want of assurance of salvation, and want of strength against my corruptions; I knew that my greatest want was fayth in Christ, and faine would I have been united to Christ but I thought I was not holy enough. I had many times comfortable thoughts about him in the word prayer, and meditation, but they gave mee no satisfaction but brought mee lower in mine own eyes, and held mee still to a constant use of all meanes, in hope of better thinges to come. Sometimes I was very confident that hee had given mee a hungring and thirsting soule after Christ and therefore would surely satisfy mee in his good time. Sometimes againe I was ready to entertaine secret murmurings that all my paines and prayers etc. should prevayle no more: but such thoughts were soon rebuked: I found my heart still willing to justify God. Yea I was perswaded I should love him though hee should cast mee off.
Being in this condition it pleased the Lord in my family excercise to manifest unto mee the difference between the Covenant of grace, and the Covenant of workes (but I took the foundation of that of workes to have been with man in innocency, and onely held forth in the law of Moses to drive us to Christ). This Covenant of grace began to take great impression in mee and I thought I had now enough: To have Christ freely, and to bee justifyed freely was very sweet to mee; and upon sound warrant (as I conceived) but I could not say with any confidence, it had been sealed to mee, but I rather took occasion to bee more remisse in my spirituall watch, and so more loose in my conversation.
I was now about 30 yeares of age, and now was the time come that the Lord would reveale Christ unto mee whom I had long desired, but not so earnestly as since I came to see more clearely into the covenant of free grace. First therefore hee laid a sore affliction upon mee wherein hee laid 159mee lower in myne owne eyes then at any time before, and showed mee the emptines of all my guifts, and parts; left mee neither power nor will, so as I became as a weaned child. I could now no more look at what I had been or what I had done nor bee discontented for want of strength or assurance mine eyes were onely upon his free mercy in Jesus Christ. I knew I was worthy of nothing for I knew I could doe nothing for him or for my selfe. I could only mourn, and weep to think of free mercy to such a vile wretch as I was. Though I had no power to apply it yet I felt comfort in it. I did not long continue in this estate, but the good spirit of the Lord breathed upon my soule, and said I should live. Then every promise I thought upon held forth Christ unto me saying I am thy salvation. Now could my soule close with Christ, and rest there with sweet content, so ravished with his love, as I desired nothing nor feared anything, but was filled with joy unspeakable, and glorious and with a spirit of Adoption. Not that I could pray with more fervency or more enlargement of heart than sometimes before, but I could now cry my father with more confidence. Mee thought this condition and that frame of heart which I had after, was in respect of the former like the reigne of Solomon, free, peaceable, prosperous and glorious, the other more like that of Ahaz, full of troubles, feares and abasements. And the more I grew thus acquainted with the spirit of God the more were my corruptions mortifyed, and the new man quickened: the world, the flesh and Satan were for a time silent, I heard not of them: but they would not leave mee so. This Estate lasted a good time (divers months), but not alwayes alike, but if my comfort, and joy slackened a while, yet my peace continued, and it would returne with advantage. I was now growne familiar with the Lord Jesus Christ, hee would oft tell mee he loved mee, I did not doubt to believe him; If I went abroad hee went with mee, when I returned hee came home with mee. I talked with him upon the way, hee lay down with mee and usually I did awake with him. Now I could goe into any company and not loose him: and so sweet was his love to mee as I desired nothing but him in heaven or earth.
This Estate would not hold neither did it decline suddainly but by degrees. And though I found much spirituall strength in it, yet I could not discerne but my hunger after the word of God, and my love to the Saints had been as great (if not more) in former times. One reason might bee this, I found that the many blemishes and much hollow heartednesse which I discerned in many professors, had weakned the esteem of a Christian in my heart. And for my comfort in Christ, as worldly imployments, and the love 160of temporall things did steal away my heart from him so would his sweet countenance bee withdrawne from mee. But in such a condition hee would not long leave mee, but would still recall mee by some word or affliction or in prayer or meditation, and I should then bee as a man awakened out of a dreame or as if I had been another man. And then my care was (not so much to get pardon for that was sometimes sealed to mee while I was purposing to goe seek it, and yet sometimes I could not obtaine it without seeking and wayteing also but) to mourn for my ingratitude towards my God, and his free, and rich mercy. The consideration whereof would break my heart more, and wring more teares from myne eyes, then ever the fear of Damnation or any affliction had done; so as many times and to this very day a thought of Christ Jesus, and free grace bestowed on mee melts my heart that I cannot refraine.
Since this time I have gone under continuall conflicts between the flesh and the spirit, and sometimes with Satan himself (which I have more discerned of late then I did formerly) many falls I have had, and have lyen long under some, yet never quite forsaken of the Lord. But still when I have been put to it by any suddaine danger or fearefull temptation, the good spirit of the Lord hath not fayled to beare witnesse to mee, giveing mee comfort, and courage in the very pinch, when of my self I have been very fearefull, and dismayed. My usuall falls have been through dead heartedness, and presumptuousnesse, by which Satan hath taken advantage to wind mee into other sinnes. When the flesh prevayles the spirit withdrawes, and is sometimes so greived as hee seemes not to acknowledge his owne work. Yet in my worst times hee hath been pleased to stirre, when hee would not speak, and would yet support mee that my fayth hath not fayled utterly.
The Doctrine of free justification lately taught here, took mee in as drowsy a condition, as I had been in (to my remembrance) these twenty yeares, and brought me as low (in my owne apprehension) as if the whole work had been to begin anew. But when the voice of peace came, I knew it to bee the same that I had been acquainted with before, though it did not speak so loud nor in that measure of joy that I had felt sometimes. Onely this I found that I had defiled the white garments of the Lord Jesus. That of Justification in undervalueing the riches of the Lord Jesus Christ and his free grace, and setting up Idolls in myne own heart, some of them made of his sylver, and of his gold, and that other garment of Sanctification by many foule spotts which Gods people might take notice of and yet the inward spotts were fouler than those.
161The Lord Jesus who (of his owne free grace) hath washed my soule in the blood of the everlasting Covenant, wash away all those spotts also in his good time. Amen even so doe Lord Jesus.
MS. Note Book of Henry Dunster (1612?–59), President of Harvard College, pp. 119–123;
L. and L.
, II. 165–174. For his edition Robert C. Winthrop was able to use also a second manuscript copy, not now to be found, sent by Governor Jonathan Trumbull of Connecticut to President Ezra Stiles of Yale College in 1783. Cf.
L. and L.
, II. 161–165. The narrative, written in New England in January, 1636–37, is inserted at this point because it deals largely with the spiritual history of Winthrop’s boyhood and youth. Robert C. Winthrop says of it (
L. and L.
, I. 78): “It is written in a stern spirit of self-condemnation and self-abasement; and, as we have already suggested, might give room for the idea that its author had been a much less exemplary young man than he probably was, were not the peculiar elements of his character and the peculiar circumstances of his condition, both at the time of which he speaks, and still more at the time at which it was written, taken into consideration in reading it. But viewed in this light, or, indeed, in any light, it presents a striking picture of a pious soul struggling under the doubts and despondencies which so often beset the religious temperament, and which the peculiar trials of his lot were so well calculated to aggravate. There is, too, a zeal and a fervor of expression in it—in some passages rising almost to the height of poetry—which, to a religious heart, gives it a charm not unlike that which belongs to some of the devotional writings of Baxter or of Bunyan, or even to the Confessions of St. Augustine.”
George Bancroft writes (ibid., II. 162–163): “By those who do not know, that, in good Puritan times, a thought amiss was mourned over as a defilement, and love of play as lewdness, wrong judgment would be formed of the singularly pure character which the very excess of self-reproach sets off with new lustre.”
John Winthrop was admitted to Trinity College at the age of fourteen years and eleven months nearly (supra, p. 78; cf. Venn, A. C.
, IV. 441). He appears to have been in attendance something less than two years. Supra, pp. 78, 82, 84, 85;
L. and L.
, I. 58. Franklin B. Dexter notes that, among the Cambridge colleges, Trinity stood next after Emmanuel in supplying men of learning to the New England emigration. “Influence of the English Universities in the Development of New England,” M. H. S., Proc.
, XVII. 340–352.
William Perkins (1558–1602), celebrated divine, author of A Declaration of the State of Grace and Condemnation and other works.
D. N. B.
, XLV. 6–9; Thomas Fuller, Abel Redevivus (1651), 431–440.
Hebrews, c. vi, verses 4–6: “For it is impossible for those who were once enlightened, and have tasted of the heavenly gift, and were made partakers of the Holy Ghost, and have tasted the good word of God, and the powers of the world to come, if they shall fall away, to renew them again unto repentance; seeing they crucify to themselves the Son of God afresh, and put him to an open shame.”
1606
Swet husband I Remember me to the in the Louingis manere I pray god send the in helth and safty hom spedely as thou canst we ar al in helth as thou leftes us I thank god If I shold Repent of frankes coming as I do euery day of beses she sold not com whatsoeuer I loue hur but I hope otherwise of hur I haue maydes anow ofered me here I am afrayed we shal be trobeled with sending bes agayene I wold we war so red of hur whenas thou sall thenk good let frank com a fortnit or thre weekes after michel as you shal agre. let nat canan com and mary and fetch meg. I besech the lord to bles and kepe us al. thine euer Louing wife tel dethe
I haue sent goode hames tene pigens I pray comen me to them both and al the rest of my naybors.
Indorsement by John Winthrop, Jr.: “This letter was written by Mrs. Mary Winthrop wife to John Winthrop Esqr. sometyme Gouernor of New England.”
W. Au.4.
Worldly cares thoughe not in any grosse manner outwardly, yet seacreatly, togither with a seacret desire after plesures and itchinge after lib162ertie and unlawfull delightes, had brought me to waxe wearie of good duties and so to forsake my first love, whence came muche troble and danger.
Then in that time, having not perfect peace with God, but throughe the perswasion of the enimie, distrustfulness beganne to arise, whenas the Lorde sent but a smale triall, my wife but beinge taken with a fitt of an ague, myselfe beinge not prepared with a peaceable conscience, it did much harme me, whereuppon I promised to be prepared better.
Beinge in this trobble I was wholy unable to raise up my selfe, neither could I pray a great while, yet at length I desired the Lorde and he herde me, so as uppon the confession of my sinnes, which I did with much comforte, I found mercie and grace to amende.
In that weeke that my wife was delivred, by reason of the present occasion and of an ague which I had taken, I gave myself to negligence and idlenesse which I could not shake off a good while after: it also brought with it many other sinnes as caringe for this worlde etc., and one morninge a great fitt of impatience, for matter betwixt my wife and my mother, which I pray God forgive me.
Where there is not a reverend trembling at the committinge of smale sinnes and those but in thoughte or worde, there is no feare of God, and where there is no feare there is no faithe: therefore marke this.
It is wonderfull how the omission of the leaste dutie, or commission of evill, will quench grace and estrange us from the love of God.
Feb: 8. I founde that on Saterday in the affternoone deferringe readinge and prayer til 3 of the clocke, for the performinge of a needelesse worke, my herte was verie muche unsettled.
On Sunday beinge the 9 of March: beinge at sermon at Groton, I let in but a thought of my iornie into Essex, but strait it delighted me, and beinge not verie carefull of my heart, I was suddainely, I knowe not how, so possessd with the worlde, as I was led into one sinne after an other, and could hardely recover my selfe, till taking myselfe to prayer before I was too farre gonne, I found mercie.
The 20 of Aprill, 1606, I made a new Covenant with the Lorde which was this:
Of my part, that I would reforme thesse sinnes by his grace, pride, covetousnesse, love of this worlde, vanitie of minde, unthankfulnesse, slouth, 163both in his service and in my callinge, not preparinge myselfe with reverence and uprightnesse to come to his word: Of the Lords part that he would give me a new heart, joy in his spirit, that he would dwell with me, that he would strengthen me against the world, the fleshe, and the Divell, that he would forgive my sinnes and increase my faith.
God give me grace to performe my promise and I doubt not but he will performe his. God make it fruitfull. Amen.2
Decembre 12. It must be only God that must worke in the hearte, as by this experience;—when I used the best meanes I was able to perswade my wife etc., and that when I had the best spirit, yet I could not prevaile not so muche as to make hir to answeare me or to talke with me about any goodnesse; but yet one time when I did but only aske a question, by the way as it were, and that when there were many thinges which justly made me feare a repulse, yet it pleased God even then to so open hir hearte as that she became very readie and willinge to lay open hir hearte to me in a very comfortable measure; whereby I see that Praier must do it, if ever any good be done, for I had praied often to God in that manner: and she proved after a right godly woman.3
In these following Experiences 4 there be diverse vowes, promises to God, or Resolutions and purposes of my heart, occasioned throughe the ofte experience of my weaknesse in such things, and my great desire of keeping peace and holdinge communion with God, many of which I have in tyme observed that I have great need to repent (in some of them) my unadvisednesse in making them, consideringe that they have proved snares to my Conscience, and (in others of them) my wretchednesse and sinne in not 164carefully observing them. Mr. Cartwright5 in his Answ: to the Rem:6 Acts 5. 4. givethe some directions on this pointe.
1610 Jan. After I had muche displeased my God by followinge idle and vaine pastymes, as sittinge late up at —,7 with my unkinde omittinge my family exercise, I was muche unsettled, as there was cause, yet God (when I thought his anger was even hote against me) drewe me to repentance and showed me sweet mercye.
12. But a little after beinge out of order againe through the force of a newe temptation; and mine owne rebellious wicked hearte yieldinge itselfe to the slaverye of sinne, had brought me into the Lords hands againe, yet my God, the true naturall father of the prodigall, seeinge me but have a minde to returne, mette me in his fatherly love and brought me into his favour notwithstandinge all my unkindnesse.
17. Then by little and little by want of diligent care and observation of my hearte and wayes I lost the former freshnes of my affections, and so beganne to fall to idleness, takinge pleasure in vanitie againe, but God crossed me in my delights, and when I perceived God was angry with me I had no harte to any dutye, till readinge the 33 of Job: v. 29: the Lorde moved me to come to him againe, so I returned and found favor, yet not suche affections as before.
1611. The 22 of August it plesed God to sende me a sore sicknes wherein besides the worke of Gods Spiritt upon my conscience, I did most evidently perceive his great mercie and care in supportinge me, easinge the paine, givinge me pacience, and muche cherefullnes, and willingnes to abide his good will, and before the sicknes was come to the hight, God in mercye cutt it off by sending me without any meanes a great relief.
One thinge which I observed in this sicknes was that God visited uppon me many of my bould runninges out against conscience, which I then when I committed them passed over with slight repentance, and now had suerly smarted well for them if I had not now stopped them by searious and speedye turninge to God, whereuppon I resolved not to be so bould to sinne againste my conscience in tyme to come.
165Another thinge which I resolved uppon good grounde was to leave all my working and inventions of all sorts, especially the doinge of such things as required any labour or tyme, and to content my selfe with such things as were lefte by our forefathers, and that for divers reasons as
First8
I had prayed ofte and earnestly for the mortifyinge of divers corruptions, and I have certainely founde that God hathe hearde me for some of them, weakeninge the force of them by meanes that I never thought of.
Dec: 15. I acknowledge a speciall providence of God that my wife taking upp a measse of porridge, before the children or anybodye had eaten of it, she espied therein a greate spider.9
Findinge by muche examination that ordinary shootinge in a gunne, etc: could not stande with a good conscience in my selfe, as first, for that it is simply prohibited by the lawe of the land, uppon this grounde amonst others, that it spoiles more of the creatures then it getts: 2 it procures offence unto manye: 3 it wastes great store of tyme: 4 it toyles a mans bodye overmuche: 5 it endangers a mans life, etc: 6 it brings no profite all things considered: 7 it hazards more of a mans estate by the penaltye of it, then a man would willingly parte with: 8 it brings a man of worth and godlines into some contempt:—lastly for mine owne parte I haue ever binne crossed in usinge it, for when I haue gone about it not without some woundes of conscience, and haue taken muche paynes and hazarded my healthe, I haue gotten sometimes a verye little but most commonly nothinge at all towards my cost and laboure:10
Therefore I haue resolved and covenanted with the Lorde to give over alltogither shootinge at the creeke;—and for killinge of birds, etc: either to leave that altogither or els to use it, bothe verye seldome and verye secreatly. God (if he please) can giue me fowle by some other meanes, but if he will not, yet, in that it is
That which I promise for my selfe, I likewise promise for my servants, as farre as the former reasons agree to them.
Beinge further resolved that poenall Statutes doe binde the person to obedience in these indifferent thinges, I have proposed not to breake the intention of this Lawe, etc: this further I hould for this matter, that thoughe lawe cannot binde from the use of the creatures, yet it may limitt the manner of taking them.
1611
28. In my sleepe I dreamed that I was with Christ upon earthe, and that beinge very instant with him in manye teares, for the assurance of the pardon of my sinnes etc: I was so ravished with his love towards me, farre exceedinge the affection of the kindest husbande, that being awaked it had made so deep impression in my hearte, as I was forced to unmeasurable weepings for a great while, and had a more lively feelinge of the love of Christ than euer before. This followed the same night after I had bine visitinge Jesus Christ in his faithfull servant, old Hudson, to whom as by my presence and helpe I afforded muche comforte, so God recompensed me with comfort againe. And heerein I see great cause to complaine of the weaknes of my faithe that cannot see Christs helpe as neere, now he is in heaven, as it appeared when he was on earthe.
I see that I cannot ever feele the same measure of the love of Christ heere, but this is my comforte that I shall have the full fruition of it in heaven.
Feb. Gettinge my selfe to take too muche delighte in a vaine thinge which I went about without the warrant of faithe, I was by it by degrees drawne to make shipwracke of a good conscience and the love of my father, so as my heart beganne to growe hardened and inclininge to a reprobate minde; prayer and other duties beganne to growe irksome, my confidence failed me, my Comfort left me, yet I longed after reconciliation, but could not obtaine it; I earnestly sought to repente but could not gett an heart unto it, I grew wearye of myselfe, unprofitable to others, and God knowes whither ever I shall recover that estate which I loste;—O that this might 167be a warninge to me to take good heede how I greive the good spiritt of my God and wounde my conscience, and that as the penninge of this is in many teares, so the readinge of it when occasion shalbe may be a stronge motive unto sobrietye.
I finde that often sinninge bringes difficulty in repentinge and especially the bould runninge out against knowledge and conscience.
After the committinge of such sinnes as have promised most contentment and commoditie, I would ever gladly have wanted the benefitte, that I might have bine ridde of the sinne. Whereuppon I conclude that the profitt of sinne can never countervaile the damage of it, for there is no sinne so sweet in the committinge, but it proves more bitter in the repentinge for it.
I do certainely finde that when I sett myselfe seariously to prayer etc: thoughe I be very unfitt when I beginne, yet God dothe assist me and bowes his eare to me, especially when I aske as one that would obtaine.
I have trembled more at the committinge of some newe sinne, althoughe but smale in comparison, then at the doing of some evill that I have been accustomed to, though muche greater; therefore I see it is good to beware of Custome in sinne, for often sinninge will make sinne light.
I sawe my great follye in that I placed so muche felicitye in present outward thinges and in the hope of thinges to come, whenas I am suer that I shall have them but for a shorte tyme, if at all. The danger and hurte of these earthly ioyes I finde to be greater in that they deminishe the ioye of my salvation: wherefore I have resolved by the grace of God, to holde my affections in a narrower compasse, and not to suffer my hearte to delight more in any thing then in the comforte of my salvation.
Sep: 8. 1612. Finding that the variety of meates drawes me on to eate more than standeth with my healthe, I have resolved not to eate of more then 2 dishes at any one meale, whither fish, flesh, fowle or fruite or whittmeats etc: whither at home or abroade; the lorde give me care and abilitie to performe it. I founde that the pride of my hearte, viz: these great thoughts of mine owne gifts, creadite, greatnes, goodnes etc: were like a canker in my profession, eatinge out the comfort of all duties, deprivinge God of a principall parte of his right in my hearte, which I daylye perceived, when it pleased God to lett me see my meanenes in his exceeding greatnes: whereuppon I resolved to make it one of my cheife petitions to have that grace to be poore in spirit: I will ever walke humblye before 168my God, and meekly, mildly, and gently towards all men, so shall I haue peace.
May 23 1613. When my condition was much straightned, partly through my longe sicknes, partly through wante of freedome, partly through lacke of outward things, I prayed often to the Lorde for delivrance, referring the meanes to himselfe, and with all I often promised to putt forthe myselfe to muche fruitt when the Lorde shoulde inlarge me. Nowe that he hathe set me at great libertye, givinge me a good ende to my teadious quartan, freedome from a superior will and liberall maintenance by the deathe of my wifes father (who finished his days in peace the 15 of May, 1613) I doe resolve first to give myselfe, my life, my witt, my healthe, my wealthe to the service of my God and Saviour, who by givinge himselfe for me, and to me, deserves what soever I am or can be, to be at his Commandement, and for his glorye:
2. I will live where he appoints me.
3. I will faithfully endeavour to discharge that callinge which he shall appoint me unto.
4. I will carefully avoide vaine and needles expences that I may be the more liberall to good uses.
5. My propertye, and bounty, must goe forthe abroade, yet I must ever be careful that it beginne at home.
6. I will so dispose of my family affaires as my morning prayers and evening exercises be not omitted.
7. I will have a speciall care of the good education of my children.
8. I will banish profanes from my familye.
9. I will diligently observe the Lords Sabaoth bothe for the avoidinge and preventinge worldly busines, and also for the religious spendinge of suche tymes as are free from publique exercises, viz. the morninge, noone, and evening.
10. I will endeavour to have the morninge free for private prayer, meditation and reading.
11. I will flee Idlenes, and much worldly busines.
12. I will often praye and conferre privately with my wife.
I must remember to performe my fathers Will11 faithfully for I promised him so to do; and particularly to paye Mr. Meges 4012 a yeare till he should be otherwise provided for.
169September 17, 1613. There mett at Mr. Sands, Mr. Knewstubs, Mr. Birde and his wife, Mr. Chambers, John Garrold and his wife, John Warner and his wife, Mr. Stebbin, Barker of the pryorye, and I with my companye, where we appointed all to meete againe the next yere on that frydaye which should be neerest to the 17 of September, and in the meane tyme every of us eache fryday in the weeke to be mindefull one of another in desiring God to grante the petitions that were made to him that daye, etc.
Securitie of heart ariseth of over much delighte in the things of the world. Perk: fol: 609: See there the excellent issue of this temptation in Gods children. Item. 784. 799.13
Of this rough notebook of thoughts and occurrences relating to the spiritual life, jotted down by John Winthrop at odd times from 1606–07 to December, 1636, the original is not now to be found. Robert C. Winthrop describes it (
L. and L.
, I. 63–64) as “an old autograph manuscript L. and L.
, I. 64–74, 79–122, 145–149, 278, 283–284, 304; II. 161. The last two entries are beyond the chronological limits of this volume; the others are given below, at the points where they fit into the chronological order. The section immediately ensuing corresponds to
L. and L.
, I. 64–74.
“After this introduction, there follows a little catalogue of ’sinnes,’ running through many days of many months, registered as in an account-current against himself, but written partly in cipher, and with so many abbreviations and secret signs as to be quite unintelligible to any eye but his own.”
L. and L.
, I. 66.
“The last line of this passage was evidently written with different ink and at a different period from that which precedes it. It may have been added after death had sealed the account between him and his first wife, and as a final tribute to her virtues. It is the only testimony which remains to the character of Mary Forth.”
L. and L.
, I. 66–67.
Robert C. Winthrop remarks that this is “a passage unquestionably written after much that follows it, and intended for his own warning as to some of the resolutions and experiences which he had previously recorded.”
L. and L.
, I. 67.
Thomas Cartwright (1535?–1603), the celebrated Puritan divine. C. H. and T. Cooper, Athenae Cantabrigienses, II. 360–385, 553; III. 77.
The Answere to the Preface of the Rhemish Testament (Edinburgh, 1602). Ibid., II. 365; A. W. Pollard and G. R. Redgrave, A Short-Title Catalogue of Books Printed in England, Scotland, and Ireland, and of English Books Printed Abroad, 1475–1640 (London, 1926), no. 4716.
“The place is designated in the manuscript by an unintelligible sign.”
L. and L.
, I. 68, note.
“A missing page deprives us of the reasons of this most conservative resolution.”
L. and L.
, I. 69.
“This may, perhaps, occasion a smile; yet it would not be easy to say why a special providence might not as well be recognized in the discovery of the spider which would have poisoned the porridge, as in ’the sparrow which falleth to the ground.’” Ibid., note.
“Bad luck with his gun, though the last reason assigned, may have given the original impulse to much of this philosophy about shooting. It certainly forms an amusing climax to the argument. The Governor was evidently not a good shot in his youth.” Ibid., I. 70, note.
He refers to the will of his wife’s father, John Forth. Infra, p. 173.
“Neither the name nor the amount can be made out with confidence. It appears to be 40.lb to Mr. Megges, or Meigs.”
L. and L.
, I. 74, note.
The references appear to be to the first collected edition of the works of William Perkins (1558–1602), published at Cambridge in 1600. Pollard and Redgrave, Short-Title Catalogue, no. 19646. “This last paragraph is separated from that which goes before it by a black line, and is written in a large round hand, as if to designate it as the sum and substance of the whole matter.”
L. and L.
, I. 74.