Novemb: 1617. I went to London, not so well prepared for suche a iournie as had been meet, and it was a monthe before I returned, wherein God had muche mercie upon me, preservinge me and bringinge me home in safety; yet my soule was waxed leaner, and my love and faithe muche decayed, as I did suspecte while I was gone, yet could not so evydently perceive as when I came to settle to mine ordinary course at home. But above all I founde my faithe to be very muche shaken, which was throughe want of carefull nourishinge of it in the meditation of the worde of God. Oh I see, if we leave, or slightly exercise ourselves in the worde, Faithe will starve and die, and our hearts imbrace any dotages of mans braine sooner then Gods eternall truethe, as I founde by dangerous experience: O Lord forgive my great infidelytie and forgettfullnesse of thy goodnesse, and stablishe me with thy truethe. Oh that I might ever have a care to looke to my Faithe as I would doe to my life; and thanks be to the Lord that dothe not forsake me.

I founde this experience while I was at London, that havinge there no 209matters to distract my minde, but beinge free from my ordinary cares and temptations which I was wont to meet with at home; as I had ease and leisure, and little or no occasion of sorrowe through my faintings, etc, under temptation, which I was wont to meet with at home; so on the other side I founde as slender comforte, and fewe or noe quicknings or stirrings of the Spirit in me, but was still and quiet, without any great sence either of guilt or peace; whence I gather that he which would have suer peace and ioye in Christianitye, must not ayme at a condition retyred from the world and free from temptations, but to knowe that the life which is most exercised with tryalls and temptations is the sweetest, and will prove the safeste. For such tryalls as fall within compasse of our callinges, it is better to arme and withstande them then to avoide and shunne them. I founde as readye and familiar accesse to God in prayer, singinge, etc, in my travaile, as if I had been in my chamber, and it is an excellent meanes to season the heart, and to shorten the tediousnesse of the iournie.

Still I finde by continuall experience that the usuallest thinge that turnes me out of my course and breakes off my peace with my God is the imbracinge the love of earthly thinges, and seekinge a kind of secure and commodious settlinge in these thinges; which as it greatly delights the wanton fleshe, so it as fast quenchethe all delight and appetite to heavenly thinges; it blinds the iudgement, takes awaye all affection, and dulles all gifts bothe of bodye and minde, makinge all unservisable, etc: I still pray, O Lord, crucifie this world unto me, for suerly the love of thee and the love of the world cannot stand togither.

I have founde this infallibly true by ofte experience since, and I am fully resolved, that if I will keepe the love of God, I must cast quite off the love of the world.

I finde it a most difficult thinge to use constantly the practice of meditation, the want whereof is an occasion that I am ofte unsettled, for suche thoughts and considerations as doe keepe the heart well ordered will passe and vanishe awaye if they be not revived and uphelde by meditation. O my God helpe and inable me.

I was wonte to be muche disquieted with feare of reproache and of an ill name with the moste where I lived, so as I have been drawne by suche foolish respects to doe or leave undone many things to the woundinge of my conscience; especially to avoide a suspition of ingratitude, basenesse, unfriendlynesse, etc. But the Lord openinge my heart to consider of the 210vanytie of all suche things, as that they are trifles of no continuance, and of leaste benefite (as if we thinke of suche as we knewe that are nowe dead and gone, who whilst they lived were also either taken up with suche vaine-glorious conceipts, whereof they neither had any true comforte whilest they lived, nor being dead have retained any fruit, or left any memorye of them,) I see it is the best wisdome for a Christian to labour to approve himselfe to God in keepinge faithe and a good conscience, which willbe areadye comfort to a man in his life, and will bide with him after deathe, and to sett light by the unprofitable and suer-fadinge favour of the world, which a Christian man may as well be without, as a gent. may spare a kennell of hounds, and with which, he that will have it, shall never want a disquiett minde. I will saye with Paul, I passe not for mans iudgment.

Ob: A good name is to be sought after etc: Ans: Walke with God, and never feare but thou shalt be honored of the Godlye.

I have observed, that after some true woorke of mercie, I have founde speciall operation of Gods spiritt.

O what a difference there is betweene the reigne of the fleshe and of the spirit; that like the reigne of Ahaz full of troubles, full of shiffts, and helplesse; but this like Solomons, plentifull, peaceable, etc. When the fleshe hathe prevailed in me, all hathe been out of order, full of blindnesse, slouthe, vanytye of minde, captivitye to sinne, strangeness towards my God, a guiltie heart inclininge to rebellion, no comfort in prayer, no delight nor savour in the worde, no ioye in Christ, etc; sometymes secure in carnall ioyes, and on the suddaine as uncomfortably deiected; discontented with everythinge; still taken up with earthly cares, feares, desires, etc, all for the bellye, the glorye, etc, (in a worde) all unhappie. But the spirit renewinge his strengthe, brought a newe face of all things with it, and was to the whole man and conversation, as the authoritye of Mordecay to the afflicted Jewes, ioye and gladnesse, peace with God, peace with heart, peace with all: my soule yieldinge itselfe to God in the acknowledgment of its owne un-worthynesse, could yet comfortably repose it selfe in the merits of Christ; nowe could it abhorre and tremble at the memorye of its former vanityes and ungodlinesse: nowe could it mealt into teares and sighes to remember its unkindnesse and ingratitude; now could praye with confidence, and yet in feare and reverence; nowe Christ onely was desired, as my onely portion, my conversation was in heaven, and God was my refuge, whatsoever occasion was offered to affright me. O that I could ever walk in the spirit.

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Ever against a Communion, the neerer it grewe, the more would Sathan labour to unfitt me for it, seekinge to diminishe the reverende account and singular benefite of it, and so to steale from me all appetite unto it; and withall persuadinge me that I was sufficiently prepared unto it, when (upon better consideration which God in mercie hathe brought me unto, in my order of preparing my familye) I have founde myselfe muche wantinge, and especially in desire and appetite unto it, for which particular I meane to examine my heart better heerafter (by Gods grace), Amen.

My heart beinge againe overtaken, and forward in the thinges of the world, as pleasures, ease, eatinge and drinkinge etc, I lost my sweet peace with my God; the more my heart delighted in and lingered after the former things, the more unquietnesse and anguishe of minde grewe upon me: faine I would haue had my peace againe, but could not gett my heart to seeke it earnestly; amonge other things I looked over some things which I had written heere before, concerninge the manifestation of Christs love unto me, my unspeakable ioye therein, and the advised and cheerful Covenants that thereupon I had made, for walking with my God in faithe and holy­nesse, deniall of the world and myselfe etc: when I considered withall how I had broken those Covenants, how unkindly I had requited my good God, etc, it brake my heart, and forced me to an humble and searious submission, in abundance of teares; I truely and cleerly sawe my follye, in settinge so muche by this vaine world, and esteeminge to satisfie the intemperate desires of this wanton fleshe; I renewed my former Covenants with my God, whom I beseech (for Ch: sake) to incourage and inhable me to performance.