July 13. Beinge the Sabaothe daye, findinge some tyme before that all was not well betweene my God and me, which I perceived by the couldnesse of my prayers, and the unquietnesse and tremblinge of my conscience, and the lightnesse and continuall wanderings of my heart, I sighed and groned often, prayinge earnestly that God would open my heart, and lett me see what it was that did so disturbe my peace, etc. I often set to examine my heart but could not, I was still caried awaye with wanderinge thoughts, etc, but at last it pleased God by little and little to affecte my heart, and to bringe me to the sight of my selfe; and then did I see as evidently as the sunne when it shines, that my heart was withdrawne from my God, the fleshe had prevailed against the spirit, and had drawne me into a lukewarme religion, servinge God and yet seekinge greedily the ease and pleasure of my wanton and idle fleshe, which had made me cast off the life of every dutye, and had turned all zeale into a counterfait discreation. And my conscience did especially accuse me for my remissnesse in my callinge of magistracie, in that I had not been painfull in the findinge out and zealous in the punishinge of sinne; and for that I spent my dayes so idlely and unprofitable, givinge too muche tyme to sleepe, recreations, etc. There-upon I prayed earnestly unto the Lord for pardon, and for grace to hate these my sinnes, and to amende them, and I promised and covenanted with the Lord to be more zealous and diligent, and to walke more constantly with him, and I desired the Lord that when so ever I should decline from this Covenant, that I might not have any peace, but feele his anger untill I were returned againe.

After this I was as one weaned from his mothers breasts, my comfort and peace with my God returned, I had bouldnesse and confidence in prayer, then againe did I finde that the only sweeet estate was to walke with God and be upright: and the only safe estate to denye my selfe, the worlde, etc, and to holde this idle wanton fleshe unto its taske, and to keepe watche unto sobrietye. O Lord I beseech thee, continue this in the purpose and heart of thy servant forever: cause me to looke ever to thy service and glorye. Thou (I am assured) wilt looke to my comforte: what­soeverthou doest with me, give me not up to the vilde slaverye of the world and the fleshe: O Lord I am thy servant.

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Remittinge my care and watche, and givinge libertie to the fleshe, I was againe unsettled, and then my conscience could swallowe foule faults without any great remorse, when as sometymes it would have stucke at the least evill. I returned to my selfe againe and renewed my repentance. I resolved to keepe a better watche, and to holde under the fleshe by temperate diet, and diligence in my callinge, for I founde that there was no peace in any other course. All pleasures are vanytye in the use and vexation in the ende, and the fruit of idlenesse is shame and guiltinesse. It wounded my heart in the eveninge when I looked backe and sawe the daye misspent in the service of the worlde, and in fullfillinge the will of my fleshe. Disuse in any good thinge causethe the greatest unwillingnesse and unfitnesse; I sawe it was saufeste for me ever to be well doinge, and to be fully resolved of Gods good allowance of all that passeth either mouthe, heart or hande; faith would teache me to looke to approve my selfe to God in every thinge, and so to goe on, according to the occasion of every dutye, and leave the successe to God. But O my unbeliefe and my fearfullnesse! Lord strengthen my faith, and incourage thou me.

Upon this last resolution I setled my selfe to my study, and to suche duties as I was necessarily occasioned unto, and so by Gods assistance I kept my peace, etc., meetly well for all that weeke followinge; for I was ready upon every occasion to starte aside, yet keepinge a carefull watche over my hearte, I quickly perceived when it was straglinge, and so the sooner brought it in againe.

I plainly perceive that when I am not helde under by some affliction, either outward or inwarde, then I must make my fleshe doe its full taske in the duties of my callinge, or suche other service wherein it takes no pleasure. Otherwise it will waxe wanton and idle, and then findinge sweet-nesse in earthly thinges it will growe so weary of Gods yoake, as it will not be borne any longer, except the fleshe by stronge hande be brought under againe.

Sometymes my faithe hathe been so deadhearted in the promises as no meanes could quicken me up to apprehende the mercies of God, although but in the ordinarye sence of my sinnes. At an other tyme againe, God hathe lett in upon my heart suche a floud of mercie as in the quickest sight of sinne that ever I had I could not have been brought to make question of pardon. And upon such an offer I have first layde holde of mercye and forgivenesse, and after turned to the acknowledginge and bewaylinge of my sinnes: for there is no confession so franke as that which comes from the sence of free pardon.

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Order and observation makes many duties easye which otherwise willbe very tedious and difficult.

A wilde colte must be well tamed in the ploughe, and then a childe may backe him; so this wanton heart of ours till it be well tamed with afflictions, or suche duties in our callings as are not pleasinge nor easy to the fleshe, there is no rulinge it; it will neither be kept to prayer, nor hearinge, nor meditation, etc; but it will flinge out 20 wayes, and be runninge against every wall, etc: but beinge thoroughly tempered and tamed, etc, it will goe on quietly and soberly in any dutye. It is great wisdome for a Christian to keepe the fleshe ever under by service that it may be sober, for if it gett libertie there is no rulinge of it: An unruly horse will more weary himselfe in one miles travaile then a sober horse in 10: so it is when we goe about any dutye where our hearts looke for their libertie.

My disposition is ever fittest upon the first apprehension of any thinge; if it once hange of hande, and that I beginne once to beat my head about it, and meet with any rubbe or discouragement, I cannot for my life proceed to make any dispatche, etc; as in writinge of lettres, etc, whilest I have some tymes been over carefull and studious for the forme, I have cleane lost bothe my matter and invention, and on the other side when I have gone on with more readinesse and lesse curiositie, I have doone farre better in conclusion bothe for matter and forme.

I have observed that in all my exercises of conscience, when I have been most frighted with guiltinesse of sinne, my carelessenesse in hearinge Gods worde hathe muche more troubled me then my carelesse and could prayer; and my omissions more then my commissions; and the omittinge mercie and the dutyes of my callinge of magistracie more then all thinges besides.

I finde often tymes that comminge out of good companie, I am sometymes more disquieted, other tymes more unsetled then before: what the reason should be I knowe not, except that beinge taken up with too muche regard of their persons, I neglect to watche well over my heart; or that God sends it as a punishment upon me, for not makinge that good use of such companye as I ought; or whither their godlinesse dothe stirre up and checke some secret evill within me that disquiets my minde.

I have observed that after a gleame of any speciall ioye, whither in heavenly things or in earthly, there hathe followed a storme of dumpish-nesse and discomfort, that hathe abolished the memorye of the former ioye; 208but especially when I have suffered my heart to take too much ioye in any earthly thinge, I have been sure (for the most parte) in the turninge, to meet with a fitt of melancollike discontent, that hathe beene farre more burdensome then the other was pleasinge; so as I thinke it good wisdome for me to keepe to a meane in my ioyes, especially in worldly things; moderate comforts being constant and sweeter, or saufer, then suche as beinge exceedinge in measure faile as much in their continuance; for they beinge waysted by passion, are resolved into payne, even as the bodye is most sensible of could, when it hathe beene thoroughlyest warmed by the heat of the fire.

My heart getting loose one Sab: daye throughe want of due watch­fullnesse and firme resolution, it gate so deepe into the world as I could not get it free, but it followed me to Churche and home againe; but heer was not all the hurt of it, for I founde evidently, that this sufferinge my heart to take libertie to the profaning of the Sabaothe, made it utterly unfitt for dutye all the week followinge, so as it cost me muche strife and heartsmart before I could bringe it into order againe; therefore I purpose, by Gods grace, to keepe a better watche over my heart upon the Sabaothe.

The onely meanes to keepe our hearts from beinge taken up and cumbered with the thoughts and cares of worldly things is, to gett our treasure in heaven, for where our treasure is, there will our hearts be. Luke: 12.