I finde by often experience that the most usuall thinge that breakes off my comfort in God, and delight in heavenly things, is the entertaininge the 190

[PWF01fd9]

191love of earthly things;—for having so often given myselfe unto the Lord, by particular solemne Covenants, as upon my recoverye out of my quartan, the deathe of my former wife, deliverance from speciall sicknesses, etc, and now againe upon the renuinge of my repentance in this last affliction by the deathe of my other wife, the Lord will not endure it that I should steale my affection from him, to sett it againe upon the world; so as I perceive that lett me doe what duties I will, yet if my heart be roaminge after pleasure, glorie, profitt, etc: he abhorres bothe me and my service; so as I see that if he may not have my heart, he will have nothinge:—Heerupon it hathe fallen out often that I have bestowed a great deale of tyme in prayer, and other duties, and have founde no other answeare but a wounded and discontented minde, and all because I have brought an heart haltinge betweene God and the worlde, desirous of his favour, and yet not resolved upon the deniall of this worlde and myselfe; not weighinge that sentence of Christ “He that wilbe my disciple, must denie himselfe,” etc: Againe on the other side sometymes upon a short meditation, or prayer, a secreat grone, or desire sent up into heaven, etc., I have founde unspeakable peace and comforte, for then my heart would repose itselfe in God, and yield to him sayinge with Paul, Lord, what wilt thou have me to doe? Whereupon I conclude that I cannot serve 2 masters; if I love the world, the love of the father can have no abidinge in me. This benumbs the hand of faith, casts a mist before the eyes of it, cooles the zeale of prayer, quenchethe the spirit, and all spirituall affections, and layes the heart open to the force of all temptations.

Now to repell all suche lusts, pleasures, profitts or whatsoever, that would steale awaye my heart from my God, I will meditate upon these and such other scriptures:

If then ye be risen with Christ, seek those things which are above etc:

Love not the world, neither the things of the world etc:

My sonne give me thy heart:

They are not of the world, as I am not of the world:

Demas hath forsaken me and imbraced this present world:

— The world is crucified to me and I to the world:

2 Pe. 1. 4. Flee the corruptions which are in the world through lust:

1 Pe. 2. 11. As strangers and Pilgrimes abstaine from fleshly lusts that fight against the soule.

Althoughe the losse of my wife were to me a grievous thinge, yet God, in his more than fatherly mercie, drewe my minde from beinge too intentive 192upon it, by givinge me cause to looke into myselfe, and when he had shewed me mine owne nakednesse and unworthinesse, and thereby sett me on woork to follow him unweariably in prayer, (not onely in sett and solemne manner upon my knees, but by ofte and earnest liftings up of my heart, as I was walkinge, and sittinge, havinge good incouragement, by his presence and assistance, to provoke me thereunto,) wherein I could not tell whither were greater my sorrowe, ioye, desire or feare, often tymes; and giving me to finde muche sweetnesse and more than ordinary relli she inthe readinge of his holye worde, and in meditation, etc: I founde in one fortnight, suche an abundant recompence of my losse, as I might saye with the prophet, O Lord thou hast caused my ioye to surmount my griefe an 100 foulde. O my soule, prayse the Lord, and all that is within me prayse his holye name; which forgiveth thee all thy sinnes, and healeth all thy Infirmities: My soule, what wilt thou returne unto the Lord for all his benefitts? take the cuppe of salvation (which he houldeth forthe unto thee) and thanke him with all thy might; Love him with all thy soule, and with all thy strengthe; and for his loves sake lett all thy delight be in the saints that are on the earth. Wronge not his trueth so muche, as to distrust him either for thy resurrection to glorye, or thy perseverance in grace. He hathe given thee his Sonne, who is as able to sanctifie thee as he is to save thee; thou art nowe no more thine owne; he hathe sealed thee for him selfe, by that spirit of adoption, that spirit of trueth and Comfort, which the worldn or all the devills in hell cannot take from thee. O Heavenly father strengthen the weake faith of thy most unworthie servant; and stablish the worke thou hast wrought in me unto the ende. Amen, Amen.

It is a very hard thinge to love Christ as well in contempt as in glorye, and to acknowledge and confesse him in his base estate, as being exalted. It was an easye thinge to think gloriously of the martirdome of such as were glorious in worldly respects, as learninge, honor, eminency of place, or great birth, etc: and on the other side no easye thinge to reade the histories of suche as were vile, and base, and had no other ornament but naked truethe, without some contemptible thoughts abatinge the worthe and estimation of their cause and sufferings. These things did somewhat troubleme, untill I considered that Christ’s Kingdome was not of this worlde, and that a Christian as he must beare the Crosse, so he must denye himselfe, which is the harde thinge. O Lord, for J: C: sake strengthen me hereunto.

Rom: 7: 18:—In me (that is in my fleshe) dwerleth no good thinge. I am carnall, sould under sinne; Dead in sinnes etc.

193

Before I beleeved these things, as comminge from the mouthe of God who sees what is in mans heart, and therefore sees that all the imaginations of the thoughts of his heart are onely evill continually, my heart would ever be readye to attribute somewhat to its owne worthe and power, in the well doeing of any dutye, notwith standinge that I have founde the contrarye by muche experience; for sometymes when my heart hathe been but weakly prepared to prayer so as I have expected little comfort, etc: yet God hath filled me with suche power of faith, sense of his love, etc: as hath made my heart mealt with ioye, etc: Againe at another tyme, when I have settled my heart unto prayer, of purpose to quicken up my drowsie affections, and to strengthen my faith, etc: yet I could not, with all my labour, althoughe continuinge longer, and in greater fervency then ordinary, gett my faith strengthened, or my heart humbled and broke, or the feelinge of the love of God shedd abroad in my heart, but the rather more doubtings and discouragements, etc: yet when I have been forced with wearinesse to give over, even in the very partinge Christ hathe shewed himself unto me, and answered all my desires. And hereby he hath taught me to trust to his free love, and not to the power of selfeworthe of my best prayers, and yet to lett mee see that true prayer, humble prayer, shall never be unregarded.

When I was a boye I was at a house, where I spied 2 small bookes lye cast aside, so I stole them, and brought them awaye with me; and since when they have come to my minde I have grieved at it, and would gladly have made restitution, but that shame still letted me; and when I had thought I had stilled my conscience, by consideringe the smallnesse of the value, my willingnesse to restore, etc: yet would not my conscience be quiet, but in everye affliction, especially in this last, in the deathe of my wife, it mett with me at every turne, neither could I be ridde of the checkes of it untill I did (through Gods direction) finde a meanes to make satisfaction; which doone, I had peace, and was in muche better libertye of heart than before, Gods holy name be praysed.

It is a better and more safe estate to be prepared to die then to desire dea the, for this commonly hath more selfe love with it then pure love of God: And it is a signe of more strength of faithe, and Christian courage, to resolve to fight it out, then to wish for the victorye.

The fleshe is eagerly inclined to pride, and wantonnesse, by which it playes the tirant over the poore soule, makinge it a verye slave; the workes 194of our callings beinge diligently followed, are a speciall meanes to tame it, and so is temperance in diet, for idlenesse (under which are all suche workes as are doone to fullfill the will of the fleshe rather then of the spirit,) and gluttonie are the 2 maine pillars of the fleshe hir kingdome. See Eccl: I: 13.

After I had somewhat shaked off my afliction, and had held in to a temperate course, and had been pretily wayned from the worlde, and had brought under my rebellious fleshe, and pretylye tamed it by moderate and spare diet, and houldinge it somewhat close to its taske, by prayer, readinge, meditation and the workes of my callinge, not suffering it to be idle nor yet to be busied in suche things as it did desire, etc: after a monthe or 5 weeks continuance thus, this wilye fleshe beganne to fainte, and seemed as thoughe it could not longe hould out, it grewe aguishe and lumpishe, etc: so as if Christ had not heere holpen me, I had through too light beleefe, and foolish pittie, lightened it of the burthen and letten it have more libertie to mine owne overthrowe; but God being mercifull to me, forced me (even against my will) to lay more loade upon it, and to sett it a greater taske, for he lett in suche discomforts, of anguish, feare, unquietnesse, etc, upon my soule, as made me forgett the grones of the fleshe and take care to helpe my pore soule, and so was the fleshe forced to be more stronge and lively, when it was putt to greater labour; yet as soone as the soule was at quiet againe, the fleshe fell to his former course, and grewe exceedinge discontented, when it remembered the fleshe potts of Egypt, the former pleasure, ease, recreations, mirthe, etc: which it had wont to enioye. And even like a horse in his travaile wilbe eager to runne into suche an Inne, as he hathe been used to baite at, so this wanton bruitishe fleshe at suche tymes of the daye, as it was wonte to have most libertie to those former lusts and follies, at such tymes would it be most discontent with its imprisonment, and most madde after his wonted baits of pleasure, etc: And in these temptations I was sometymes very hard putt to, yet hathe Christ (whose I am whollye) hitherto so strengthened me, that the fleshe hathe loste grounde in all these assaults. And these things doe turne to my great benefitt, throughe the free and never failinge mercie of my heavenly father, so as I am resolved, by his grace (O Lord lett not thy grace faile me, I feare indeed greatly mine owne frailetye, but I neither hope nor desire, O Lord thou knowest, to stand by mine owne strengthe, wisdome, etc: but onely by faithe in Christ Jesus,) I am resolved, I saye, to stand to the Covenant of my baptisme, renued so often since; and forsomuche as Christ hathe freed me from the fearfull and woefull slavery of the world and the 195flesh, I will not backe to prison againe, though I die for it. (Yet O my poore soule, thou knowest, that if thou wert even now left to thy selfe, thou shouldst even in this instant be made a slave againe, but O my heavenly father, for Jes: Christ his sake keepe me; If thou wilte, correct, humble, or trye me; let me fall into thy hands, for thou art mercifull, but give me not up into the impure hands of these barbarous enemies the world and the fleshe; lett not the habitation of thy holy spirit be poluted by them, nor lett thy temple become a denne for theeves). Throughe Christ Jesus the world is crucified unto me, and I to the world; I owe nothing to it, nor to the fleshe, but have bidden defiance to them with my whole heart, and I am resolved (Lord strengthen mee, O strengthen me my God and father) that come life, come deathe; come healthe, come sicknesse; come good reporte or evill reporte; come ioye, come sorrowe; come wealthe, come povertie; come what may, I will never yield me a prisoner to these enemies, I will never be reconciled unto them, I will never seeke their wealthe nor prosperitie all the dayes of my life; for I knowe that if I enter friendship with them, they will cause me to eate of their sacrifices, and so withdrawe my hearte from my God to runne roaminge after them and to committ Idolatrye with them.

1.

L. and L. , 1. 90–122. “After the tribute to the memory of his wife which has been given at the close of our last chapter, there is a blank space in Winthrop’s little autograph volume; and then it proceeds with the religious emotions and experiences of the succeeding year. Now and then a date will be found, marking the precise period at which different passages were written. There is no date, however, to the first passage. It was probably written not many weeks, perhaps not many days, after the sad scenes which had been so minutely and touchingly recorded. We give it all just as we find it. We should hardly be pardoned for interrupting the progress of such a confession by any comments of our own; much less for mingling any other matter in thesa me chapter with a self-communion so free from all mere worldly considerations.” L. and L. ,1. 90.