I hasten within two hours after the receipt of your Letter,1 which came to my hands while at my Father’s lodgings, to commerce an Answer—tho’ I must frankly own, without the smallest idea of the arrangement of the matter which crouds itself upon my mind in the perusal of your favor— I wish to communicate my whole soul to a friend, of all others, most deserving of the confidence— But how I shall begin, or where find a fit point for pausing after I have entered upon the task, must be left to the same kind of casualty, which I fear will be found too intimately interwoven with anticipated joys & delightful reveries whenever they are indulged. I could be angry with you for having so long forborne the communication, now received— And yet I am unhappy in my knowledge, & fain would wish it had slept for ever in silence—for I know not what to say, think, or do. Such was the conflict, (if sacred writ be true) that agitated the human breast, when first the fatal apple plucked from the Tree of knowledge, met the lip of Eve— Excuse the greatness of the example adduced for illustration;—the mixture of sacred with profane. Humannature from this first period, bears the stamp of frailty. The iron rules of Society allows less indulgence to our weakness—Than the laws of God to our vices. In one case, a single fatal error draws down damnation on the offenders head, without the hope of a mediator; in the other, repentance, penitent & sincere will “work out salvation.” I believe neither you or myself expected such a begining, to this—what shall I call it?

The introduction shall stand God-Mother, and pronounce its baptismal ceremony; I christen it then, by the amorous name of Love Song. As you have accidentally been made the Father Confessor, between me and another, in an affair perhaps of all others the most delicate— I shall withhold none of my thoughts, and will endeavor to explain such parts of my conduct, as may have given occasion to a result of this nature.

If I mistake not, you once had an “Eclairecissement” of this kind while you resided in Boston, with Miss F——2 it is rather hard that you should have to fight in the wars of Cupid, not only your own, but the Battles of your friends— I feel much obliged by your prowess, and the feats of General-ship so ably displayed; certain I am, that I never could have managed my own cause with half the dexterity & cleverness, & so much to the mutual satisfaction, (as I hope) of the parties concerned. Accept therefore my thanks, and now the relation.

The Letter which contained the expressions (too strong I confess, if esteem & friendship alone had guided the pen,) and which I wished might rather be communicated by the ear, than the Eye, to the object that occasioned them—was written but the day previous to my intended departure for Philada.—3 You knew not the real cause perhaps of my sudden resolution to return; and thought not of the true reason of my studied avoidance of a visit, to which your pressing invitation, and my strong inclination were such powerful inducements— You see my conduct explained by those very lines;— another weeks delay would have left me no excuse for declining your request— Had I complied—I felt the consequence—I might have commited that unpardonable offence to which I observed before the laws of Society allow no indulgence. You have painted the consequences, which you say haunt your dreams and have illustrated by an example already realized Happy then is he, that foresees & shuns the rock— I have practised that inestimable virtue—self renunciation—longer than you immagine—but I never have repented when the struggle ceased. The rules of Society are doubtless wise—but they produce an eternal conflict between the discordant passions of man. Prudence is a virtue little known in savage life; an unbridled gratification of Passion is its substitute— You will not think I hope that I prefer the latter— No, I take Society as I find it, and exert my reason, against my will. The immortal Shake-spear has not left this trait of human nature unconsidered— His words are these—

“If the ballance of our lives had not one Scale of reason, to poise 59 another of sensuality, the blood and baseness of our natures, would conduct us to most preposterous conclusions. But we have reason, to cool our raging motions, our carnal stings, our unbitted lusts.”4 &ca.

The note’s of confession and subsequent explanation which passed between you & Miss H, are to me a fresh evidence that my partiality was not misplaced The confession itself so flattering that I cannot take it in the full latitude which the just rules of interpretation might admit. I perceive by your answer, appeared to you rather too frank & undisguised. In cases of this kind it is at least doubtful, whether a “third eye should ever be witness;” if there can be such an instance, this is it. I have not another friend on Earth to whom this business could have been communicated without causing me great anxiety—with you it is a secret still; and instead of exciting unfavorable sentiments of either party, must increase your esteem for one, & confirm it towards the other.

You will never think that my German Constitution can be worked up to the pitch of Romantic extravagance, which must necessarily have contributed largely to the completion of my wishes, if the event alluded to before had taken place. I am not one of those who brave impossibilities— I hardly suffer myself to think of a thing, until I know it prudently practicable. Sometimes however I have been surprised when off my guard, and the contest to regain my post is allways arduous & painful. The footing on which this affair, (it is a novel term to be applied to a transaction in which I am a party) now rests, is the best I could look for— If I dared I would swear to her, that the “Friend of my younger days” should never be forgotten, whatever might become of the favorite—but you have commanded me to silence, & I know the command however irksome must be obeyed. I wear about me a constant memento of this friend— it is a Broach; you may have seen it— “Dark in itself & indigent, but rich in borrowed lustre from an higher Sphere.”5 But I have done—I am sure your patience will be tried with this, I will not say uninteresting, but at least unsatisfactory explanation.6

Adieu

I think you have recd: my letter of nearly the same date with yours, before this—7 write me soon—

We have had a severe Snowstorm but attended with such a voilent wind that half the Ground is bare, whilst the other is almost impassible Banks; I hear nothing from Town this week. even the post has not come, but I have good domestick intelligence for you, which is that this day I think our Parent better, and I am much encouraged she says with one of her smiles, tell my son that I am here pestering yet, and that I have the best daughter in the whole world. I am obliged to do the whole message or be undutyfull.

we are all waiting with impatience to learn the purport of the last news from Frane. it must be of concequence to Electrify congress in such a manner that they could not keep their sittings

I have written only a few lines—least I should not be able to get my Letters in town soon enough for the post, on monday Captain Beals is kind enough to call this evening and let me know that he is going to town tomorrow, and would take Letters for / your ever affectionate

I last Evening received your kind Letters of Jan’ry 18, 21 & 22d accompanied with the Negotiation’s I have read the two pamphlets 61 you sent me before. if the American pamphlet is the production of the person to whom report asscribes it, I think very little honour is due to his Head, and none to his Heart. I am sorry he is calld to fill so important an office, as the one to which he is lately appointed.1 his Ideas are many of them derived from the Gambling table and his allusions from a Brothel which he coarsly distributes without respect to his readers.2 he might not imagine that his subject would draw the attention of a Female reader yet he who respects himself would have been more delicate, if the Ideas had not been too Familiar to him, and his uncloathd Negroes had blackned his mind. I cannot give full credit to his representations respecting the Banks and funding system, nor can I asscribe such dreadfull plots to those who have the management of them as this modern Argus sees. that multiplied Banks are productive of many of those evil concequences which he enumerates I both see and feel. that many persons are making fortunes from them I believe, that they are an indirect tax upon the comunity I fully credit, but his proposed remedy would be worse than the disease. his attempt at wit and his affected ridicule upon the balance of power, proves his grose ignorance of a subject, upon which his Ideas, are all bewilderd, and incoherent. it is plain however that this pamphlet is the continuation of the system adopted last winter & Breaths the same spirit with Giles & his veterans.3 the Letter addrest to mr Pitt, is well written, and contains matter of weighty concequence, and serious consideration. the writer accounts in the most rational Manner for that Spirit of Frenzy & Madness which continues to Swallow up reason, reflection and all the social affections and manly virtues, in the French Nation.4 Shakspear has well described these scenes too applicable to the present.

The warning to Great Britain I have not read. our son brought it up one Saturday Evening but not having read it himself and being obliged to return it on Monday prevented my reading it. I wish it might be a sufficient warning to us to continue our Neutrality unimpared.

The dull and gloomy weather I perceive had influenced your spirits, and the politicks of the day had made you sick. you wanted the repose of your Family and the Bosom of your Friend. I know how it was by your Letter Pupil of woolsoncroft confess the Truth, and own that when you are sick of the Ambition the intrigues the duplicity and the Treachery of the aspiring part of your own sex, it is a comfort and a consolation to retire to the simplicity the Gentleness and tenderness of the Female Character. those qualities, says a candid writer are more benificial to the humane race than the prudence of all its individuals, and when conducted with good Sense, approach to perfection.6

You can do much service to your sons by your Letters, and advise. you will not teach them what to think, but how to think, and they will then know how to act. I am glad you have read Barnevelt, and do not think him too roughly handled. his Age only intitled him to any respect. he evidently felt himself in the back ground, and sunk out of sight, but Secretly from the dark shoots a poisond Arrow.

I shall attend to your wishes with respect to every thing which can be done. the winter has been unfavourable for buisness. the pond is hard enough frozen, if we had but sufficient snow to cover those parts of the Ground which are bare. the wood we get when practacable, but I have made an important discovery viz that an old Man is not a young one. Belcher however is in many respects preferable but cannot be so active as when young7 he is not devoted to the Rum bottle. I informd you that I had received the Bills, and have dischargd the accounts of Phipps Savil & bought an other load of Hay—paid to mrs Brisler ten Dollors which she had occasion for, which you may mention to him.

I have been to visit our Parent who is low and weak I do not however see any imediate danger— I hope the Phylidelphians will keep a viligent look out, and if the dreaded fever should break out—remove the inhabitants. the Rain of three days which I mentiond to you was warm & relaxing to an allarming degree. it affected me so much that I was several days sick, and all the servants were debilitated in one way or other. it brought on your Mothers illness and in many instances in Town a Lung fever. mrs Field now lies sick with it, mrs 63 Brislers Mother. Your Letters was the first intelligence I had of the return of Cheeseman. I shall make inquiry into the Matter.

adieu my Dearest Friend and be / ever assured of the affectionate Regard / of your