Jan: 10, 1617-18. Afterwards findinge myselfe snared by the worlde, I could not be at rest untill by readinge Mr. Boultons discourse of true happinesse,1 I was brought to a more thorough discoverye of my sinfull heart and wayes, and thereupon to more sounde repentance and resolution of reformation; when againe upon sounde deliberation beinge free from all passion, or oppression of melancholie, I did quietly, cheerfully and absolutely resigne up myselfe againe unto my God, covenantinge to walke faithfully with him, and prayeing fervently yet without any distemper of affection, etc, that he would rather take me out of the worlde or cast me into 212any affliction, sicknesse, povertye, disgrace, or whatsoever, so himselfe would not faile me in them, then to give me up to the slaverye of the worlde, to mine ould profane, idle, voluptuous, and foolishe heart; and so I begge still of him for the Lo: Jes: sake.

Feb. I kept on my course but yet up and downe, for the fleshe still gathered to itselfe, and sought its owne ease, pleasure, glorye, etc, and my heart grewe towards the worlde againe, so as the sweet relishe and estimation of Christ and salvation was even gone, untill God againe opened mine eyes to see my carnal affections, my slouthfulnesse, vanitye of minde, pride, falseheartednesse, infidelitye; no love to him in Christ, nor love to his saintes; my too muche account and estimation of the worlde, too busylye imployinge my thoughts in caringe for and delightinge in earthly things: so as I am thoroughly persuaded that the love of the worlde even in a smale measure, will coole, if not kill, the life of sinceritye in Religion, and will abolishe the verye memorye of heavenly affections: O Lord, crucifie the world unto me, that though I cannot avoyd to live amonge the baites and snares of it, yet it may be so truely dead unto me and I unto it, as I may no otherwise love, use, or delight in any the most pleasant, profitable, etc, earthly comforts of this life, then I doe the ayre which I continually drawe in, or the earthe which I ever tread upon, or the skye which I ever behould. O why should I doate with greater affection on other thinges which are of lesse use?

I purpose by Gods grace to meditate more often upon the certainty and excellencye of my everlastinge happinesse through Christ, and of the vanitye and perill of all worldlye felicitye. This one thinge I observe withall, that whilest we seeke to make our earthly habitations commodious for the ease, quiet, and outward comfort of our lives, we doe but provide for the encrease of our sorrowe, for by suche meanes we doe the more animate and arme the fleshe against the spirit, so as it will cost us the more strife to mortifie it and holde it under. Lord teach me wisdome from hence.

Upon searche of my heart, and the sight of my secret sinnes and corruptions which still prevayled against me, I grewe into much feare, discomfort, and heavynesse. I was without ioye; in God I could finde none, (I seemed so unworthye); In worldly things I durst take none (althoughe the devill did make me continuall and large offers,) but resolved with myselfe rather to continue in my perplexed estate then to have helpe by 213any other meanes then from the Lorde; so I prayed earnestly and gave my selfe to waite with patience, and in due tyme I found, accordinge to that of the Prophet Esaye 30. 15., in quietnesse and confidence was my strength.

When I have enioyed sweet peace with my God then I have been shye of the smalest occasions of offending him, and have readylie and cheerfully denyed myne owne will, delight, content, and credite, etc; but afterwardes when my peace was gone, and I had lost my libertie of heart and communion with Christ, then I fell to them againe, and althoughe I could remember that I had formerly shunned them, etc, yet I could not then finde what it should be that should make me part with things of so great necessitye and use as then I esteemed them: but againe so soone as my peace returned upon any renewinge of my repentance, and that the love of God was shedd abroad in my heart, etc, then I could see cause enoughe to make me willingly to contemne greater matters: For suerly there is no treasure like a good conscience, no pleasure like the fellowshippe with Christ Jesus, no ioye on earthe like the Communion of Saints: methought it was a happinesse unmatchable, that I could quietly repose my heart in the bedd of Gods promises;—which I never could doe but when I had fully denyed and given over myselfe unto him, and still as I sought myselfe God lefte me.

Havinge been longe wearied with discontent for want of suche imployment as I could find comfort and peace in, I founde at last that the conscionable and constant teachinge of my familye was a speciall businesse, wherein I might please God, and greatly further their and mine own salvation, which might be as sufficient incouragement to my studye and labour therein as if I were to teache a publick Congregation; for as to the pleasing of God it was all one, and I perceived that my exercise therein did stirre up in me many considerations and muche life of affection, which otherwise I should not so often meet with; so as I purpose by Gods assistance, to take it as a chiefe part of my callinge, and to intende it accordingly.

God by his great mercie brought me to a sight of my sinnes, and so to repentance, never (I hope) to be repented of, true Repentance, sweet thoughe sharpe repentance; O most happie, and wholesome Repentance, more welcome to me then all earthly pleasures,—for want of it ( it havinge been longe absent) my poore soule was allmost famished; when by it God opened before mine eyes the state of my soule, O what a poluted conscience 214found I; what impure affections, what unruly desires, what blindnesse of minde, what fearfull hardnesse of heart, which althoughe it were shaken and stirred to consideration and slight relentings, sometymes ofte in a day by occasion of readinge, or prayer, etc, yet it soone shooke off all suche motions, and grewe more stiff necked against God, untill it was allmost at that passe that it could not repente: But when it pleased God to have mercye upon me, and to sett my wickednesse upon me, I thought then suerly he would be doone with me, for my former boldnesse in sinninge and daliance with the breache of his Commandements: but I founde him more gracious then I durst conceive, or make use of for the present; my former rebellion, ingratitude, self love, slouthe, carnallitie, tyme servinge, etc, came so freshe before me, and shewed so foul and odious unto me: Oh that not onely my eyes, but that my very heart could melt in teares, that I might mourne night and daye for my sinnes against my good Father. O when shall I be ridde of the burthen of this sinful fleshe! Would any that had knowne the sweet mercies that I had received from him, ever have beleeved that I should have turned from him, to goe roaminge after worldly pleasures? Could I so soone forgett the pleasures, etc, which his presence was wont to afforde me, as I had learned out of Psal: 16. and 36. and prov: 3.

Amongst other sinnes which I founde in my selfe, I sawe my great unbeleefe was one of the cheifest, for I had not nourished my faithe in Christ and in his worde, but had given waye to doubtinge and distrust so farre, as I had neere lost the use of Gods worde, which althoughe I continued to read dailye, yet my faithe was so weakned through difficulties and delayes, as I had lefte off to live by faithe in the worde: and so for want of faithe my prayers failed, my meditations, readinge, and all grewe teadious and unprofitable, I had no heart to any Christian dutye, I thoughte all was in vaine. Heerupon I prayed earnestly and mourningly to have my faithe strengthened, and God soone heard me and by occasion in my familye exercises, I fealt my faithe beginne to revive as a man out of a dreame. I acknowledged the infallible truthe and certainty of Gods most pure and perfecte worde; my heart leaped within me when I considered it, I embraced it, I cast my selfe in to it: as fast as temptations came either to feare, doubt, of difficultie or danger, etc, the very first thought of Gods worde, Gods trueth, did easyly dispell them; and whereas before all my care was to gather peace to my heart from the smalnesse of my infirmities etc, nowe my comforte was in bringinge them (smale or great) unto the bloud of Christ, and by applyinge the promise I founde howe the crimson 215sinnes might be made white as well as the palest-coloured. Gods trueth caried all before it: I founde my heart, upon this meditation, willinge to sett upon any dutye, whilest I behelde my warrant in Gods book: and whereas sometymes many things did discourage me from dutye, as the iudgment of the greatest parte, the unlikelynesse of successe, the evill acceptation of others, the feare of losse, disgrace, health, etc, now I remembred what Christ sayed, “Woe to the world because of offences, and blessed are they that shall not be offended in me”: I perceived that these and suche like rubbes to our faithe were the offences that Christ doth partlye meane there, and I see that they that will take offence from the opinion of others, their owne corrupt reason, common experience, etc, shall never enioye the comforte of livinge by faithe, for the Childe of God must breake throughe all these and saye with Paul, Rom: 3. 4. Let God be true and every man a liar. O Lord I have sinned in that I have not beleeved thy worde that I might sanctifie thy name before thy people, but by thy grace I shall not dare heerafter once to doubt of thy holy and eternall truethe: Let it be sufficient encouragement and warrant to me in any thinge, that it is thy Commandment, thy promise etc.

Resist the Devill and he will flee from you: this have I found true by ofte experience, for whereas upon the Sabbaothe and in hearinge of the worde etc, my heart would be most pestered with worldly thoughts, etc, so as I should have stronge desires to be thinkinge of some suche things at those tymes, which at other tymes I should not regarde; and from these snares I could not free myselfe, until it pleased the Lord, in prayer, to discover unto me that it was Satan that did thus followe me with his assaults; whereupon I sett myselfe against him by applyinge such places of scripture, as did best oppose his temptations: and thus doeinge, I have ofte tymes had my heart set at libertye from suche worldly thoughts and other his snares: The Lorde be praysed forever.