Feb: 3. I went towards London, and returned soone, the II. I went forthe sickly, but returned (I prayse God) safe, and healthie. Whereas I was wont to lose all my tyme in my iournies, my eyes runninge upon everye obiect, and my thoughts varieing with everye occasion, it pleased God that I nowe made great use of my tyme, bothe in prayeing, singing, and meditatinge with good intention and muche comforte. Amongst other things, I had a very sweet meditation of the presence and power of the Holy Ghost in the hearts of the faithfull, howe he reveales the love of God in our hearts, and causeth us to love God againe; howe he unites all the faithfull in deed and in affection: howe he opens our understandings in the misteries of the gospell, and makes us to beleeve and obeye: and of the sweet consent betweene the worde and the spirit, the spirit leadinge and directinge us in all things according to the worde: I am not able to expresse the understandinge which God gave me in this heavenly matter, neither the ioye that I had in the apprehension thereof. Other meditations I had of my sinnes and un-worthinesse, of the exceedinge mercies of God towards me, etc: and nowe and then to refreshe me when I grewe wearye I had a prayer in my heart, and sometymes I sunge a psalm. I founde it verye hard to bringe my heart heerunto, my eyes were so eager of wanderinge, and my minde so lothe to be heald within compasse; but after I gatt into it, I founde great sweetnesse 197therein, it shortned my waye and lightned all suche troubles and difficulties as I was wont to meet with.

After my returne I founde within a 4 or 5 dayes when I should beginne to settle to my ordinary taskes, etc: that the fleshe had gotten head and heart againe, and beganne to linger after the world; the society of the saints seemed a contemptible thinge, meditations were few, prayer was teadious, and fain would the fleshe have been at an ende before I beganne: I grewe drowsie and dull in every good dutie; it made me marvaile at my selfe when I remembred my former alacritie; I prayed and I wept, yet still I grewe more discouraged:—God beinge mercifull unto me, heer by torevive me, at length I fell to prayer and fastinge, whereto the fleshe was as unwillinge as the bear to the stake, yet it pleased God that hereby I recovered life and comforte, and then I founde plainely that not keepinge a strict watche over my appetite, but feedinge more liberally than was meet, or then before, of late, I was wont, the fleshe waxed wanton, and would no longer weare the yoake, but beganne to growe iollye amp; slouthfull, as it had wont to doe, and to minde earthly things. O the deepe deceitfullnesse of my heart; if God had lefte me, I had even nowe for saken him, and embraced my former follye and worldly delights. But blessed be the Lord that remembred me in the day of perill, and saved me; O my God doe not forsake me in the tyme of need.

I finde by ofte and evident experience, that when I hould under the fleshe by temperate diet, and not sufferinge the minde or outward senses to have everye thinge that they desire, and weane it from the love of the worlde, I ever then praye without wearinesse, or ordinary wanderinge of heart, and am farre more fitt and cheerefull to the duties of my callinge and other duties, performinge them with more alacritie and comfort then at other tymes.

Not longe after fallinge into a light ague, I tooke occasion thereby to favour myselfe more then I needed, and Sathan made use of this oportunitie by reason of the weaknesse of my head to fill my heart, first with wandering thoughts, so drawinge me from good meditations, and then enticinge me to delight in worldly thoughts, which at last my heart did embrace so eagerly, as I could not for my life gett my minde from them, but they interrupted my prayers, brake my sleepe, abated the wonted relishe of heavenly thinges, tooke awaye my appetite from the worde, made the duties of my callinge teadious, and filled me with muche discomforte, so as I thought upon that sayeinge, All is vanitie, and vexation of spirit.

I see therefore I must keepe a better watche over my heart, and keepe my thoughts close to good things, and not suffer a vaine or worldly thought to enter, etc: least it drawe the heart to delight in it. And therefore I propose (so farre as God shall give me grace) to stint myselfe to my tymes in this sort, except necessarie occasion makes me to alter:

First, for the forenoone to spende it whollye in the service of God and duties of my callinge. After dinner I will allow an howre to my worldly affaires, and if need shall so require somewhat more, otherwise (when it will stand with my health and other conveniences) in visitinge some neighbour or etc:, and then to my studye againe. And when my Callinge will give me libertie, to some other profitable studye as occasion shall serve. (As soone as I had written this, Sathan beganne to tempt me, with his wonted baites of worldly pleasure, in a thinge wherein I have muche busied my thoughts to finde out the lawfullnesse, and conveniencie, etc: and when I would have putt it out of my minde, Sathan suggests to me, that I should sinne except I did presently determine in my heart whither I would doe itor not, (and by this sleight he had ofte circumvented me) but it pleased God to putt into my mouthe to answeare him thus, Avoyd Sathan, this is not the tyme for to think or resolve upon these thinges, they have their tyme sett out for them, and when that tyme comes I will resolve and doe as God shall guide me: thus by this meditation it pleased the Lord to strengthen me at that tyme, blessed be his holy name, Amen.)

Mr. Sands: In indifferent thinges my perswasion must be my guide.

It was delivered me by Mr. Sands as upon his best Judgment and experience, that a Christian is bounde to make use of his Sabaothe businesse all the weeke after, and that so to doe would keepe away muche uncomfortable discontent from a Christian minde, as thus: A man should sett apart some tyme of the daye throughe the weeke, to goe over the things which he hathe learned in the Sabaothe, either in his prayer or meditation; and a man doeing this of conscience, as Gods ordinance, God would blesse it. And as of our hearinge so of our prayers, readinge, meditatinge etc, looke what speciall affections are stirred up in us by any of these on the Sabaothes, we should worke upon them in the weeke dayes; for certainly the Sabaothe is the markett of our soules.

When a man leads a life secluded from the common delights of the worlde, and gives himselfe to walke whollye with God, he shall heare many 199sayinge, He will shorten his dayes, he will pine himselfe, he will be over-runne with melancolie etc: But suerly a man so livinge, shall doe more honor to God, and service to his Churche in a very shorte life, then another (although a true Christian, also) livinge at more libertie shall doe in a muche longer tyme: for the more differinge that a mans conversation is from the common course of the worlde, the more occasion and matter there is of the observation of Gods work in him: And since there are so many that in an overmuche respecte to their owne outward felicitie take more libertie in these outward things then standeth with Gods will, who shall forbidd others (there beinge so fewe suche) to tender God more fruits of their love and thankfullnesse, by abridging themselves in the number and measure of suche outward comforts as they might lawfuly inioye. But yet I see no grounde for suche opinions, for besides that God hathe numbered our dayes etc, there are many places in scripture which may make us looke that holynesse should lengthen our life, and sweeten it, but none to make us feare that it should discomfort or shorten it. O Lord, enhable me to live righteously and holyly, and I shall not be muche carefull of livinge longe or hapylye.

I had been overtaken, and turned out of my course by entertaininge the love of pleasures, and worldly cares into my heart, which brought me out of peace with my God, and tooke awaye my delight in prayer and other duties, and made me utterly unfitt for studye in my Callinge. In this estate my heart could not be at rest, I could not live so; I humbled myselfe and sought pardon and peace again, and I oftentymes was well comforted and persuaded of it, but it was soone gone againe, and I returned backe to my former unsettled and voluptuous course, yet restlesse therein. The Sabaothe came, I arose betymes, and read over the covenant of certaine Christians sett downe in Mr. Rogers1 booke, and therewith my heart beganne to breake, and my worldly delights which had heald my heart in suche slaverye before, beganne to be distastefull and of meane account with me, I concluded with prayer in teares; and so to my family exercise, and then to Churche, my heart beinge still somewhat humbled under Gods hande, yet could not gett at libertie from my vaine pleasures: After dinner and our famyly exercise, I read Mr. Perkins2 treatise of the estate of a Christian, 200etc, thereby as my heart grewe more humbled, so my affections were more reclaimed. I went to Boxsted Churche in the afternoone where I heard with some affection and found sometymes a comfortable consent in prayer; being returned I went into my chamber to prayer, but beinge hot and weary with goeinge I was forced to leave. I layde me downe upon the bed allmost overcome with discontent arisinge partly of my wearinesse etc. I could not bringe my minde to think seariously of any good thinge, but it beganne to wander and be idle, so I arose, and knelt downe to praye againe, but could not; then I endeavored to praye standinge, and so strivinge with the Lord for helpe against my weaknesse. At last he enabled me to my full content, and then my heart gave in, and I renounced my beloved pleasures, and was willinge to denye my selfe; then was my minde and conscience at sweet rest, and I desired nothinge so much as Christ Jesus and the fellowship of his holy Spirit; then my soule despised and abhorred my former beloved vanityes; then was I content to be at Gods allowance, that I might enioye his love and the light of his countenance, althoughe it were with bread and water. Then I sawe playnely that the usuall cause of the heavinesse and uncomfortable life of many Christians is not their religion, or the want of outward comforts (for Gods presence in favour brings all sufficiency with it, as psal: 16: In thy presence there is fullnesse of Ioye etc.) but because their consciences enforce them to leave somme beloved unlawfull libertie before their hearts are resolved willingly to forsake it: whereas if we could denye our owne desires and be content to live by faithe in our God, the Christian life would be the only merrye and sweet life of all. O Heavenly Father I beseeche thee give me grace to watche and be sober, and lett thy favour and my peace in it be ever of more account with me then all the world besides it. Amen.

After this, settlinge myselfe to walke uprightly with my God, and diligently in my callinge, and havinge an heart willinge to denye myselfe, I found the Godly life to be the only sweet life, and my peace with my God to be a true heaven upon earthe. I founde God ever present with me, in prayer and meditation, in the duties of my callinge, etc: I could truely loath my former folly in preferringe the love of earthly pleasures before the love of my heavenly father. I did wonder what madnesse was in me, that I should leave the fellowshippe of my Saviour, to keepe fellowshippe with unfruitfull works of darknesse; I was not then troubled with the common cares and desires that I was wont to be taken up with, as of food, apparell, credit, pleasure, etc: but was well contented with what God sent: 201what can I say? I finde a change in my heart and whole man, as apparent as from darknesse to light. God of his mercie continue and increase it. Ifinde withall that I was readye upon every obiect or occasion, to embrace the delight in earthly things againe, which I see plainly will soone gettwithin me againe, if I slacke my watchfullnesse never so little, so as I resolve by Gods grace to keepe my heart with all diligence, and to sett a watche over my mouthe, eyes, ears, etc, when I am alone, in companye, at home, abroad, in every business, service of God, etc. O Lord my God, for Jesus Christ his sake inable me heerunto, and strengthen the poore weake faithe of thy unworthy servant.

Before the week was gone about I beganne to lose my former affections, I uphelde the outward dutyes, but the power and life of them was in a manner gone; I prayed as I was wont, but I could not finde that comfort and feelinge which I had; I did the duties of my Callinge, but not so cheerfully and fruitfully: and still the more I prayed and meditated, etc: the worse I grewe, the more dull, unbelievinge, vaine in heart, etc: so as I waxt exceeding discontent and impatient, beinge sometymes ready to frett and storme against God because I founde not that blessinge upon my prayers and other meanes that I did expecte; but O Lord forgive me: Searchinge my heart at last, I founde the world had stollen away my love from my God, and that I was growne from depending upon him to trust to my prayers and outward dutyes, and so not diligently observing my heart, as I should have done, the devill had gotten within me, and had deceived me. Then I acknowledged my unfaithfullnesse and pride of heart, and turned againe to my God, and humbled my soule before him, and he returned, and accepted me, and so I renewed my Covenant of walking with my God, and watchinge my heart and wayes. O my God, forsake me not.

When I had some tyme abstained from suche worldly delights as my heart most desired, I grewe very melancholick and uncomfortable, for I had been more careful to refraine from an outward conversation in the world, then to keepe the love of the world out of my heart, or to uphold my conversation in heaven; which caused that my comfort in God failinge, and I not daringe to meddle with any earthly delights, I grewe into a great dullnesse and discontent: which beinge at last perceived, I examined my heart, and findinge it needfull to recreate my minde with some outward recreation, I yielded unto it, and by a moderate exercise herein was muche refreshed; but heere grewe the mischiefe: I perceivinge that God and mine owne 202conscience did alowe me so to doe in my need, I afterwards tooke occasion, from the benefite of Christian libertie, to pretend need of recreation whenthere was none, and so by degrees I ensnared my heart so farre in worldly delights, as I cooled the graces of the spirit by them: Whereby I perceive that in all outward comforts, althoughe God allowe us the use of the things themselves, yet it must be in sobriety, and our hearts must be kept free, for he is jealous of our love, and will not endure any pretences in it.

Havinge occasion of conference with a Christian friend or 2, God so blessed it unto us, as we were all much quickened and refreshed by it; the matter of our conference was not doubtfull questions to exercise our witts, etc: but a familiar examination of our owne experiences. Growinge dull in prayer, and unwillinge thereunto, I founde one great cause to be, that I was discouraged, because I could not find that my prayers were heard; thereupon examininge farther I founde the cause of that to be, that I had not prayed in faith, as well as in affection of desire, for I remembred that where I was wont to come to God in assurance to be heard because of his promise, I knewe then that my prayers were answered, and I came many tymes with as good a will to prayer, as I was wonte, when being hungry, to come to my meals. Wherefore O Lord I beseeche thee strengthen and increase my faithe.

Lookinge over some lettres of kindnesse that had passed between my first wife and me, and beinge thereby affected with the remembrance of that entire and sweet love that had been sometymes between us, God brought me by that occasion in to suche a heavenly meditation of the love betweene Christ and me, as ravished my heart with unspeakable ioye; me-thought my soule had as familiar and sensible society with him, as my wife could have with the kindest husbande; I desired no other happinesse but to be embraced of him; I held nothinge so deere that I was not willinge to parte with for him; I forgatt to looke after my supper, and some vaine things that my heart lingered after before; then came such a calme of comforte over my heart, as revived my spirits, sett my minde and conscience at sweet liberty and peace: I thought upon that speeche of the Churche, Cant. 5. 2.—It is the voice of my welbeloved that knockethe, etc: O, there’s my husband (saies the lovinge wife) etc: then she runnes, then she ioyes, out of the armes goes the childe, awaye goes every impediment, she hathe enough that she heares his voice, whom hir soule loves: O my Lord howe did my soule mealt with ioye when thou spakest to the heart of thy poore 203unworthy handmayd!—Further when I considered of suche lettres as my wife had written to me, and observed the scriblinge hande, the meane congruitye, the false orthog; and broken sentences, etc: and yet founde my heart not onely acceptinge of them but delighting in them, and esteeminge them above farre more curious woorkmanship in an other, and all from hence, that I loved hir; It made me thinke thus with myselfe: Can I doe thus through that droppe of affection that is in me, etc: and will not my Lord and husband Ch: Jesus (whose love surpassethe knowledge, and is larger than the ocean) accept in good parte the poorest testimonies of my love and dutye towards him? O if I had faithe to believe this, how abundant comfort would it afford me in my weakest services, since they are sent up to him that lookes not at the forme or phrase, etc: but findinge them to come from one in whom he delights, he accepts with all favour the sincere simplicity of the heart, and covers all imperfections with the skirt of his love. O my God increase my weake faithe I humbly pray thee.

This affection continued still with me, and the love of Christ was ever in my heart, and drewe me to be more enamoured of him. Then I ofte remembred that in Jer: 2. 2. I remembred thee with the kindnesse of thy youth, and the love of thy mariage, etc: which made me to recall to my view the love of my earthly mariages, which the more I thought upon, the more sensible I grewe of the most sweet love of my heavenly husband, Christ Jesus; his spirit persuaded my heart, that if I could so entirely affecte and delight in suche as I had not laboured for etc: onely for this consideration that they were to become a parte of my selfe; needs must his love towards me be exceedinge measure, that had made me, died for me, sweatt water and bloud for me, etc, and maried me to himselfe, so as I am become truely one with him: then I was persuaded that neither my sinnes nor infirmities could putt me out of his favour, he havinge washed awaye the one with his owne bloud, and coveringe the other with his unchangeablelove: This comfort that I had in his sweet love drewe me to deale with him as I was wont to doe with my earthly welbeloved, who beinge ever in the eye of my affection. I greedily imployed everye opportunitye to be a messinger of the manifestation of my love, by lettres, etc: so did I now with my deare lord Christ; I delighted to meditate of him, to praye to him, and to the Father in him (for all was one with me), to remember his sweet promises, etc: for I was well assured that he tooke all that I did in good parte. I considered that he was suche an one as should ever be livinge, so 204as I might ever love him, and allwayes present, so as there should be no griefe at partinges: O my Lord, my love, how wholly delectable art thou! lett him kisse me with the kisses of his mouthe, for his love is sweeter than wine: how lovely is thy countenance! how pleasant are thy embracings! my heart leapes within me for ioye when I heare the voice of thee my Lord, my love, when thou sayest to my soule, thou art hir salvation. O my God, my kinge, what am I but dust! a worme, a rebell, and thine enemie was I, wallowinge in the bloude and filthe of my sinnes, when thou didest cast the light of thy Countenance upon me, when thou spreadest over me the lappe of thy love, and sayedst that I should live. Then didest thou washe me in the ever flowinge fountaine of thy bloud, thou didest trimme me as abride prepared for hir husbande, my clothinge was thy pure righteousnesse, thou spakest kindlye to the heart of thy most unworthy servant, and my fleshe grewe like the fleshe of a young childe, etc: And now lett me ever be with thee, O my Redeemer, for in thy presence is ioye, and at thy right hande are pleasures forevermore. Shadowe me, and guide me with thy love, as in the days of my mariage, that I may never swerve from thee to runne after earthly vanityes that are lyeinge and will not profitt. Wholye thine I am (my sweet Lo: Jesus) unworthy (I acknowledge) so much honor as to wipe the dust off the feet of my Lord and his welbeloved spouse, in the day of the gladnesse of their heart, yet wilt thou honor me with the societye of thy mariage chamber. Behould, all yee beloved of the Lord, knowe and embrace with ioye this unspeakable love of his towards you. God is love, assuredly.

[I doe finde by experience of some good tyme, that a spare diett, and abstinence from worldly delights, is a great meanes of keepinge bothe bodye and minde fitt and lively to holye duties; I was wont, when I supped liberally, that I was sleepye and unweeldye in my familye exercises, and nowe, when I eate but little (and that ordinarily but bread and beere), I am cheerful and unweariable in them.]3

The unspeakable comfort that I had in the former sweet communion with my Lord Jesus Christ filled me with such ioye, peace, assurance, boldnesse, etc, as I was many tymes readye to incline into the other extreme of 205lightnesse and securitye, but God gave me grace, when I beganne to wax wanton, to looke into my sinnes and corruptions, and by the consideration of them I was after kept under, etc.