Experiencia a 2 Februarij: 1606–07.

Worldly cares thoughe not in any grosse manner outwardly, yet seacreatly, togither with a seacret desire after plesures and itchinge after lib­162ertie and unlawfull delightes, had brought me to waxe wearie of good duties and so to forsake my first love, whence came muche troble and danger.

Then in that time, having not perfect peace with God, but throughe the perswasion of the enimie, distrustfulness beganne to arise, whenas the Lorde sent but a smale triall, my wife but beinge taken with a fitt of an ague, myselfe beinge not prepared with a peaceable conscience, it did much harme me, whereuppon I promised to be prepared better.

Beinge in this trobble I was wholy unable to raise up my selfe, neither could I pray a great while, yet at length I desired the Lorde and he herde me, so as uppon the confession of my sinnes, which I did with much comforte, I found mercie and grace to amende.

In that weeke that my wife was delivred, by reason of the present occasion and of an ague which I had taken, I gave myself to negligence and idlenesse which I could not shake off a good while after: it also brought with it many other sinnes as caringe for this worlde etc., and one morninge a great fitt of impatience, for matter betwixt my wife and my mother, which I pray God forgive me.

Where there is not a reverend trembling at the committinge of smale sinnes and those but in thoughte or worde, there is no feare of God, and where there is no feare there is no faithe: therefore marke this.

It is wonderfull how the omission of the leaste dutie, or commission of evill, will quench grace and estrange us from the love of God.

Feb: 8. I founde that on Saterday in the affternoone deferringe readinge and prayer til 3 of the clocke, for the performinge of a needelesse worke, my herte was verie muche unsettled.

On Sunday beinge the 9 of March: beinge at sermon at Groton, I let in but a thought of my iornie into Essex, but strait it delighted me, and beinge not verie carefull of my heart, I was suddainely, I knowe not how, so possessd with the worlde, as I was led into one sinne after an other, and could hardely recover my selfe, till taking myselfe to prayer before I was too farre gonne, I found mercie.

The 20 of Aprill, 1606, I made a new Covenant with the Lorde which was this:

Of my part, that I would reforme thesse sinnes by his grace, pride, covetousnesse, love of this worlde, vanitie of minde, unthankfulnesse, slouth, 163both in his service and in my callinge, not preparinge myselfe with reverence and uprightnesse to come to his word: Of the Lords part that he would give me a new heart, joy in his spirit, that he would dwell with me, that he would strengthen me against the world, the fleshe, and the Divell, that he would forgive my sinnes and increase my faith.

God give me grace to performe my promise and I doubt not but he will performe his. God make it fruitfull. Amen.2

Decembre 12. It must be only God that must worke in the hearte, as by this experience;—when I used the best meanes I was able to perswade my wife etc., and that when I had the best spirit, yet I could not prevaile not so muche as to make hir to answeare me or to talke with me about any goodnesse; but yet one time when I did but only aske a question, by the way as it were, and that when there were many thinges which justly made me feare a repulse, yet it pleased God even then to so open hir hearte as that she became very readie and willinge to lay open hir hearte to me in a very comfortable measure; whereby I see that Praier must do it, if ever any good be done, for I had praied often to God in that manner: and she proved after a right godly woman.3

In these following Experiences 4 there be diverse vowes, promises to God, or Resolutions and purposes of my heart, occasioned throughe the ofte experience of my weaknesse in such things, and my great desire of keeping peace and holdinge communion with God, many of which I have in tyme observed that I have great need to repent (in some of them) my unadvisednesse in making them, consideringe that they have proved snares to my Conscience, and (in others of them) my wretchednesse and sinne in not 164carefully observing them. Mr. Cartwright5 in his Answ: to the Rem:6 Acts 5. 4. givethe some directions on this pointe.

1610 Jan. After I had muche displeased my God by followinge idle and vaine pastymes, as sittinge late up at —,7 with my unkinde omittinge my family exercise, I was muche unsettled, as there was cause, yet God (when I thought his anger was even hote against me) drewe me to repentance and showed me sweet mercye.

12. But a little after beinge out of order againe through the force of a newe temptation; and mine owne rebellious wicked hearte yieldinge itselfe to the slaverye of sinne, had brought me into the Lords hands againe, yet my God, the true naturall father of the prodigall, seeinge me but have a minde to returne, mette me in his fatherly love and brought me into his favour notwithstandinge all my unkindnesse.

17. Then by little and little by want of diligent care and observation of my hearte and wayes I lost the former freshnes of my affections, and so beganne to fall to idleness, takinge pleasure in vanitie againe, but God crossed me in my delights, and when I perceived God was angry with me I had no harte to any dutye, till readinge the 33 of Job: v. 29: the Lorde moved me to come to him againe, so I returned and found favor, yet not suche affections as before.

1611. The 22 of August it plesed God to sende me a sore sicknes wherein besides the worke of Gods Spiritt upon my conscience, I did most evidently perceive his great mercie and care in supportinge me, easinge the paine, givinge me pacience, and muche cherefullnes, and willingnes to abide his good will, and before the sicknes was come to the hight, God in mercye cutt it off by sending me without any meanes a great relief.

One thinge which I observed in this sicknes was that God visited uppon me many of my bould runninges out against conscience, which I then when I committed them passed over with slight repentance, and now had suerly smarted well for them if I had not now stopped them by searious and speedye turninge to God, whereuppon I resolved not to be so bould to sinne againste my conscience in tyme to come.

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Another thinge which I resolved uppon good grounde was to leave all my working and inventions of all sorts, especially the doinge of such things as required any labour or tyme, and to content my selfe with such things as were lefte by our forefathers, and that for divers reasons as

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I had prayed ofte and earnestly for the mortifyinge of divers corruptions, and I have certainely founde that God hathe hearde me for some of them, weakeninge the force of them by meanes that I never thought of.

Dec: 15. I acknowledge a speciall providence of God that my wife taking upp a measse of porridge, before the children or anybodye had eaten of it, she espied therein a greate spider.9

Findinge by muche examination that ordinary shootinge in a gunne, etc: could not stande with a good conscience in my selfe, as first, for that it is simply prohibited by the lawe of the land, uppon this grounde amonst others, that it spoiles more of the creatures then it getts: 2 it procures offence unto manye: 3 it wastes great store of tyme: 4 it toyles a mans bodye overmuche: 5 it endangers a mans life, etc: 6 it brings no profite all things considered: 7 it hazards more of a mans estate by the penaltye of it, then a man would willingly parte with: 8 it brings a man of worth and godlines into some contempt:—lastly for mine owne parte I haue ever binne crossed in usinge it, for when I haue gone about it not without some woundes of conscience, and haue taken muche paynes and hazarded my healthe, I haue gotten sometimes a verye little but most commonly nothinge at all towards my cost and laboure:10

Therefore I haue resolved and covenanted with the Lorde to give over alltogither shootinge at the creeke;—and for killinge of birds, etc: either to leave that altogither or els to use it, bothe verye seldome and verye secreatly. God (if he please) can giue me fowle by some other meanes, but if he will not, yet, in that it is his will who loves me, it is sufficient to uphould my resolution.

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That which I promise for my selfe, I likewise promise for my servants, as farre as the former reasons agree to them.

Beinge further resolved that poenall Statutes doe binde the person to obedience in these indifferent thinges, I have proposed not to breake the intention of this Lawe, etc: this further I hould for this matter, that thoughe lawe cannot binde from the use of the creatures, yet it may limitt the manner of taking them.

1611 1612 Jan: 1. Beinge admonished by a christian freinde that some good men were ofended to heare of some gaminge which was used in my howse by my servants, etc: I resolved that as for my selfe not to use any cardings etc, so for others to represse it as much as I could, during the continuance of my present state, and if God bringe me once to be whollye by my selfe, then to banishe all togither.

28. In my sleepe I dreamed that I was with Christ upon earthe, and that beinge very instant with him in manye teares, for the assurance of the pardon of my sinnes etc: I was so ravished with his love towards me, farre exceedinge the affection of the kindest husbande, that being awaked it had made so deep impression in my hearte, as I was forced to unmeasurable weepings for a great while, and had a more lively feelinge of the love of Christ than euer before. This followed the same night after I had bine visitinge Jesus Christ in his faithfull servant, old Hudson, to whom as by my presence and helpe I afforded muche comforte, so God recompensed me with comfort againe. And heerein I see great cause to complaine of the weaknes of my faithe that cannot see Christs helpe as neere, now he is in heaven, as it appeared when he was on earthe.

I see that I cannot ever feele the same measure of the love of Christ heere, but this is my comforte that I shall have the full fruition of it in heaven.

Feb. Gettinge my selfe to take too muche delighte in a vaine thinge which I went about without the warrant of faithe, I was by it by degrees drawne to make shipwracke of a good conscience and the love of my father, so as my heart beganne to growe hardened and inclininge to a reprobate minde; prayer and other duties beganne to growe irksome, my confidence failed me, my Comfort left me, yet I longed after reconciliation, but could not obtaine it; I earnestly sought to repente but could not gett an heart unto it, I grew wearye of myselfe, unprofitable to others, and God knowes whither ever I shall recover that estate which I loste;—O that this might 167be a warninge to me to take good heede how I greive the good spiritt of my God and wounde my conscience, and that as the penninge of this is in many teares, so the readinge of it when occasion shalbe may be a stronge motive unto sobrietye.

I finde that often sinninge bringes difficulty in repentinge and especially the bould runninge out against knowledge and conscience.

After the committinge of such sinnes as have promised most contentment and commoditie, I would ever gladly have wanted the benefitte, that I might have bine ridde of the sinne. Whereuppon I conclude that the profitt of sinne can never countervaile the damage of it, for there is no sinne so sweet in the committinge, but it proves more bitter in the repentinge for it.

I do certainely finde that when I sett myselfe seariously to prayer etc: thoughe I be very unfitt when I beginne, yet God dothe assist me and bowes his eare to me, especially when I aske as one that would obtaine.

I have trembled more at the committinge of some newe sinne, althoughe but smale in comparison, then at the doing of some evill that I have been accustomed to, though muche greater; therefore I see it is good to beware of Custome in sinne, for often sinninge will make sinne light.

I sawe my great follye in that I placed so muche felicitye in present outward thinges and in the hope of thinges to come, whenas I am suer that I shall have them but for a shorte tyme, if at all. The danger and hurte of these earthly ioyes I finde to be greater in that they deminishe the ioye of my salvation: wherefore I have resolved by the grace of God, to holde my affections in a narrower compasse, and not to suffer my hearte to delight more in any thing then in the comforte of my salvation.

Sep: 8. 1612. Finding that the variety of meates drawes me on to eate more than standeth with my healthe, I have resolved not to eate of more then 2 dishes at any one meale, whither fish, flesh, fowle or fruite or whittmeats etc: whither at home or abroade; the lorde give me care and abilitie to performe it. I founde that the pride of my hearte, viz: these great thoughts of mine owne gifts, creadite, greatnes, goodnes etc: were like a canker in my profession, eatinge out the comfort of all duties, deprivinge God of a principall parte of his right in my hearte, which I daylye perceived, when it pleased God to lett me see my meanenes in his exceeding greatnes: whereuppon I resolved to make it one of my cheife petitions to have that grace to be poore in spirit: I will ever walke humblye before 168my God, and meekly, mildly, and gently towards all men, so shall I haue peace.

May 23 1613. When my condition was much straightned, partly through my longe sicknes, partly through wante of freedome, partly through lacke of outward things, I prayed often to the Lorde for delivrance, referring the meanes to himselfe, and with all I often promised to putt forthe myselfe to muche fruitt when the Lorde shoulde inlarge me. Nowe that he hathe set me at great libertye, givinge me a good ende to my teadious quartan, freedome from a superior will and liberall maintenance by the deathe of my wifes father (who finished his days in peace the 15 of May, 1613) I doe resolve first to give myselfe, my life, my witt, my healthe, my wealthe to the service of my God and Saviour, who by givinge himselfe for me, and to me, deserves what soever I am or can be, to be at his Commandement, and for his glorye:

2. I will live where he appoints me.

3. I will faithfully endeavour to discharge that callinge which he shall appoint me unto.

4. I will carefully avoide vaine and needles expences that I may be the more liberall to good uses.

5. My propertye, and bounty, must goe forthe abroade, yet I must ever be careful that it beginne at home.

6. I will so dispose of my family affaires as my morning prayers and evening exercises be not omitted.

7. I will have a speciall care of the good education of my children.

8. I will banish profanes from my familye.

9. I will diligently observe the Lords Sabaoth bothe for the avoidinge and preventinge worldly busines, and also for the religious spendinge of suche tymes as are free from publique exercises, viz. the morninge, noone, and evening.

10. I will endeavour to have the morninge free for private prayer, meditation and reading.

11. I will flee Idlenes, and much worldly busines.

12. I will often praye and conferre privately with my wife.

I must remember to performe my fathers Will11 faithfully for I promised him so to do; and particularly to paye Mr. Meges 4012 a yeare till he should be otherwise provided for.

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September 17, 1613. There mett at Mr. Sands, Mr. Knewstubs, Mr. Birde and his wife, Mr. Chambers, John Garrold and his wife, John Warner and his wife, Mr. Stebbin, Barker of the pryorye, and I with my companye, where we appointed all to meete againe the next yere on that frydaye which should be neerest to the 17 of September, and in the meane tyme every of us eache fryday in the weeke to be mindefull one of another in desiring God to grante the petitions that were made to him that daye, etc.

Securitie of heart ariseth of over much delighte in the things of the world. Perk: fol: 609: See there the excellent issue of this temptation in Gods children. Item. 784. 799.13

1.

Of this rough notebook of thoughts and occurrences relating to the spiritual life, jotted down by John Winthrop at odd times from 1606–07 to December, 1636, the original is not now to be found. Robert C. Winthrop describes it ( L. and L. , I. 63–64) as “an old autograph manuscript an imperfect manuscript, stained and torn in many places, and quite illegible in others; many pages missing and many passages effaced, and plainly intended for no eye but his own . But no one, we think, will regret that some parts of it have escaped the ravages of time.” Robert C. Winthrop printed the legible portions in the L. and L. , I. 64–74, 79–122, 145–149, 278, 283–284, 304; II. 161. The last two entries are beyond the chronological limits of this volume; the others are given below, at the points where they fit into the chronological order. The section immediately ensuing corresponds to L. and L. , I. 64–74.

2.

“After this introduction, there follows a little catalogue of ’sinnes,’ running through many days of many months, registered as in an account-current against himself, but written partly in cipher, and with so many abbreviations and secret signs as to be quite unintelligible to any eye but his own.” L. and L. , I. 66.

3.

“The last line of this passage was evidently written with different ink and at a different period from that which precedes it. It may have been added after death had sealed the account between him and his first wife, and as a final tribute to her virtues. It is the only testimony which remains to the character of Mary Forth.” L. and L. , I. 66–67.

4.

Robert C. Winthrop remarks that this is “a passage unquestionably written after much that follows it, and intended for his own warning as to some of the resolutions and experiences which he had previously recorded.” L. and L. , I. 67.

5.

Thomas Cartwright (1535?–1603), the celebrated Puritan divine. C. H. and T. Cooper, Athenae Cantabrigienses, II. 360–385, 553; III. 77.

6.

The Answere to the Preface of the Rhemish Testament (Edinburgh, 1602). Ibid., II. 365; A. W. Pollard and G. R. Redgrave, A Short-Title Catalogue of Books Printed in England, Scotland, and Ireland, and of English Books Printed Abroad, 1475–1640 (London, 1926), no. 4716.

7.

“The place is designated in the manuscript by an unintelligible sign.” L. and L. , I. 68, note.

8.

“A missing page deprives us of the reasons of this most conservative resolution.” L. and L. , I. 69.

9.

“This may, perhaps, occasion a smile; yet it would not be easy to say why a special providence might not as well be recognized in the discovery of the spider which would have poisoned the porridge, as in ’the sparrow which falleth to the ground.’” Ibid., note.

10.

“Bad luck with his gun, though the last reason assigned, may have given the original impulse to much of this philosophy about shooting. It certainly forms an amusing climax to the argument. The Governor was evidently not a good shot in his youth.” Ibid., I. 70, note.

11.

He refers to the will of his wife’s father, John Forth. Infra, p. 173.

12.

“Neither the name nor the amount can be made out with confidence. It appears to be 40.lb to Mr. Megges, or Meigs.” L. and L. , I. 74, note.

13.

The references appear to be to the first collected edition of the works of William Perkins (1558–1602), published at Cambridge in 1600. Pollard and Redgrave, Short-Title Catalogue, no. 19646. “This last paragraph is separated from that which goes before it by a black line, and is written in a large round hand, as if to designate it as the sum and substance of the whole matter.” L. and L. , I. 74.