Robert Treat Paine Papers, Volume 1
Since I wrote you last I have recd. two Epistles from you, but the last written I recd. first. I this day received one bearing date March 16th. in which you commiserate the Circumstances of Miss Rosanante, but I pray you be comforted, for she has recovered so far as that I have sold her, but she still bears a memorial of her last Frolick to Boston, for you may hear her joints snap a gun shot off. Thus we Men of Honour tyrannize over the delicate parts of Creation when they come into our Possession.
I should be very glad to know who carried you to the wedding, whether you had a favour, & whether you hit the Bridegroom when you threw the stocking? Your last Letter I find to be such Group of the Grave & the Gay, that I am fairly puzled to answer it. I don't feell dispos'd to humour349you in the Maloncholly Spirit with wch. some of it seems to be wrote, & therefore waiving Many Reflexions that occur to my Mind, I shall proceed to dress yr. sallad, & first I find it wants washing, & a pretty deal too, before I can digest it. These dirty hundreds must needs contain a great deal of Grit, which will worry the stomach & cause it to nauseate the best grown Sallad. Our Sallad then being freed from the Cumber of the Dirt, there must in the next place be the Oyl of Complaisance without which our Sallad will too much astringe the Pallat & fret the Stomach & fail of affording us that Pleasure which we propose to reap by it. Tis true, some people instead of Oyl, use Sugar, & some use both, but Sugar, to me appears not so universal in its Benefit, for tho' it affords a greater Sweetness in the mouth, yet perhaps it sours in the Stomach or else Clogs & looses its Effect but the true Oyl, retains its lubricating Quality & diffuses its balmy Influences throught the Body; but then in order to compleat our Sallad 'tis necessary that we mix the vinegar of smart sence & acute penetration, without this the finest Oyl or the sweetest Sugar will soon pall the Appetite & vitiate the Digestion. The pallat will become clog'd & the Stomach relax'd, the over lubricated Fibres will become unsensible of Pleasure, & overloaded Nature loath the design'd Happiness; but Vinegar by its natural sharpness pervades the finest Vessells, corrects the Antipathy of the Oyl to the Humours of the Body, introduces it into the minutest Receptacles, braces up the fibres & cleanses the various Organs of Sence, & by that means causes the finest sensation, & maintains the highest Relish for this delicate food. Thus I've drest yr. Sallad. You know I'm an allegorical Chap & you must set your Brains to work for an Interpretation. I go now all upon Misterys, & purpose very soon to represent to the World the whole State of Matrimony by a mess of Milk-Pottage & the true Art of growing Rich by combing a Perriwig.
Tell Freind Cranch, that I am spinning him a Garment to appear in on a holy day & purpose when his Looms are fix'd to come & weave it. The Warp is to be the purest Worsted even spun & well twisted, but the filling is to be, first a Stripe of coarse tow thread gouty & slack twisted, next a Stripe of Red Yarn exceeding Coarse & badly spun; then a Stripe of Oakum full of Tar & but half pickt; next a Stripe of Hemp, then of thrumbs of all Colours, Several Stripes of Horse & human hair a Small Stripe of Cotton dy'd green, & a very broad Stripe of Sea Weed, & this to be repeated till sufficient be wove for a suit of Cloaths.
But 'tis time to cease. I don't purpose to tarry at Lancaster this Summer,350purpose to see you when I come down, but where I shall fix I know not. Remember me to all enquiring freinds. I sympathize with Miss Dora; & hope these Lines will find you both in better Health. I am very well at present & constantly mindfull of you & am yr. Loving Brother,