Boston Decr. 25th. 1754
Refined Freind,
It is a trite Observation with us, that a great part of our happiness here consists in hope & Expectation, & I believe it is equally true that when a wished for Event, Succeeds either contrary too or beyond our Expectation, our Joy & happiness is in an equal degree Encreas'd. The truth of all this I experienced not long since, when I received a Letter from yr. happy & beloved Self. Indeed I had well nigh desponded of any Intelligence & the faint Expectations that were left fell vastly Short of hearing from you from Ellisium. You cannot wonder that in my Mind I had deny'd you that place if you but Reflect on the unaccountable Manner (Ah! Now More Unaccountable than Ever) in wch. you spent the latter part of yr. Abode here. O the frailty of human Penetration, while the World esteem'd you, not to say, Stupid, Sensless Unpolite, & biggotted to a few stoical Morals. These are but Negative Faults, but as One, Under the Cloak of Freindship excersing a griping, extorting & monopolizing Avarice after everyones most Substantial Riches, divesting them of all their Improvements & pilfering the very gifts of Nature, for wch. mischevous Crimes common Fame doom'd you to a Situation wide of Elisium. But how shall I express my flow of Spirits, when by yr. Epistle I percieved that Radamanthus had approved yr. conduct & had assigned you to those Regions wch. you never could describe with such delicious poignancy if you were not there. Indeed, 'tis said we had rather Our Freind were miserable than we miss in Our Prophesy, but my Love has suppress'd the Foibles of Nature, tho' I cannot say whether I am more astonish'd or pleas'd at yr. Destiny. With Amazment I recollect yr. past Life & am desirous if possible from yr. most pious conduct to trace the least Glympse of Human Virtue, wch. may serve as a clue to unravel My past erroneous Judgment. I am already convinced the Subject is beyond my Comprehension & if I can solve the Mistery into a plausible Conjecture I Must Rest Satisfy'd. Sometimes I thought I had joined with the Envious World in abusing you, who always Defame the Man Whose superiour Industry & frugality renders more Wealthy & Wise. Sometimes I think yr. Virtue was crush'd under Mistical Hyroglyphicks, which however Vigourous was nevertheless misunderstood by our dull apprehensions, as to instance, what we call'd yr. griping extorting Avarice was really & truly the most benificent & kind disposition towards the Poor, & what232confirms me in this Construction is that I have since Observed an Avaricious disposition to be the common Attendant of a charitable Oversight of the Poor, & furthermore that what we called yr. selfish biggotted Spirit was Really Universal Love towards Mankind, for how can we love the Mankind unless we love ourselves, & as for yr. cheating & Robbing I find 'twas nothing but a Sublime Sharpness. Some have hinted that yr. Virtue consisted in that no body could understand it, & allege that there is much of it to be found in the World, but I can't give into this Opinion 'till I hear that they fare as you have done. After various other insufficient conjectures, I am constrain'd to think that you were sent as a spy through this world, having commission to seize all Unimproved Talents, & that yr. great Virtue consisted in strictly Obeying these Orders; & that upon yr. Journey home, to compleat the Errand you did but punish the Dog for his too easy access. If this Indeed be the case, I can plainly hear Radamanthus pronouncing yr. Applause for well you performed your Duty & now my soul that once censor'd you, Extolls you, as I must do every good officer tho I suffer by his fidelity, and as I cant expect Much more conversation with (tho' Pluto has indulg'd you once) by reason of our different circumstances, I shall conclude this Epistle by informing you how your Friends behave after yr. Departure, & likewise the remakable disposal of yr. Body. Indeed My Freind I suffered much for you, from the mistaken Idea I had of yr. bad Exit, & the wailing of all yr. Freinds were frequent & sincere. But as soon as the news arrived that you were safe landed in Elisium, my soul beam'd forth as the Sun from an Eclipse. We immediately congratulated each other, & yr. Relicks which before we esteem'd human we Now Respect as Miraculous, & made as diligent search for it as ever the Papists did for that of a Canoniz'd Saint, and after unwearied Search we found you Carfully deposited in the Steeple of Weymouth Meetinghouse, Whither you had betaken yr.self before yr. departure, in order to be above the cares & follys of Life & that yr. departure might be canonocal. Assoon as this Remarkable Hollosgo1 or discovery of yr. Body became Known, yr. Freinds with one Accord met together, each one claiming a share in yr. Body for the Debts of yr. Soul, Upon Examination we found you had made no Will & consequently left no Executors. Thereupon yr. approved Freind Mr. J—Q----2& myself being yr. largest Creditors agreed jointly to take out Administration, till which was Accomplished we kept yr. invaluable Relicts Secreted. As soon233as we had settled yr. Numerous Accts. we found yr. Debts so great that nothing but the great Value we place on yr. Relicted Body was Any ways equall discharge to them. On the Day Appointed we met to divide & dispose of them, distributing to every one according to their Demands. It would be tedious to relate each particular of this Curious division & what unexpected excellency was attributed to the Severall parts of yr. Body. We began with great decency & Order, one taking a Lock of Hair by Way of Memorial & another cropt a twig of your Venerable Beard; till at last two of yr. female freinds fired with mutual Jealosie, laid violent hands on yr. Body, being determind to rest Satisfy'd with Nothing Short of yr. Heart. They Strove long in Vain, finding it guarded beyond the force of female Invasion, till one remembring a certain weak place, at one Effort expos'd all yr. Pectorals to view. At the disclosure of so rich a treasure the Company grew outragious, being all desirous of a Share in this rich Cabinet, expecially the Heart which was shared by the females, tho' some complain'd their part was defective. Yr. Bosom being divided, we proceeded to pay some Small debts, while the large creditors were disputing for yr. Thighs, a female Creditor a great Toe Nail to make a Snuff box, & the other was disposed of for a Punch Ladle. A certain Freind requested yr. Heels to make Size & yr. Right Hand for a Vise. Yr. Ear was dispos'd for a Salt Seller, & a certain Hollow Tooth for a Mustard Pot. Meanwhile yr. Legs we carried off & sold to a Committee for the Foundation of a Meeting House, & yr. Nails were carefully packed & sent to Cambro Brittain by a large Creditor, who knew the use of them. Yr. Teeth we sold to make the Keys of An Organ, they having always had a taste for Music. Yr. Nose we Sold for a Rudder it always having been used to the Watry Element. Thus Nothing Stuck on hand as useless. By this Time, my brother Admirer & I thought it time to take care of our selves, & while I was curiously Exploring yr. Bowells, he sudddenly Seiz'd on yr. Brains & carried them off; altho we had before made An Agreement to Share them. I was terribly Chagrin'd at this unfair treatment, however dare not accuse in any shape, fearing the Next News I may hear from him is that he is in Elisium. However, I took the Callibash for the sake of its Fame, & upon wise Occasions wear it over my own head, which nominal credit I find of more Service to me, than perhaps the Brains would have been & with this Empty Skeleton I'm Obliged to content myself. How this Acct. may please you I can't say, tho I234thought myself in Freindship bound to acquaint you. Hoping his Violence offerd yr. Body, will bring yr. Shade once more this way even tho' it be to revenge Yrs. &c.
R:T:P