Morning at the Office. Not very usefully occupied. I must again resume my old habits which my late way of life has had an injurious influence upon. Dropped in at Hilliard’s and purchased an annual for Abby. This day completes the two years since I offered myself to her acceptance. And by a singular because unintentional coincidence, the book was called the Anniversary. My feelings have changed with the times. I was then careless, luxurious and independent. I am now cautious, frugal and not my own master. I love Abby but like all lovers pass as much of my time in unhappiness as in pleasure, and above all have still more awful ideas of the future than ever. Mine is a mind fertile in expedients for self torment. And under a strong influence of depression I this evening laid down my soul in Prayer. Dined at Chardon Brooks’ with Abby which unfitted me for study in the afternoon, and returned in the evening. I am sure I feel exceedingly well disposed to every one, but I cannot relish evenings of this kind. And they grind my spirit. I cannot account for their influence. They all feel kindly to me, I believe, and I certainly feel no ill will to them, far from it, but there is a want of something which presses upon me with a rod of iron. Returned home in a snow storm which gives us token of more winter.

Arose in better spirits. Morning at the Office, occupied in reading Law. Kent’s Commentaries, the third Volume, which is more to my taste than the preceding ones. Also, some cases in the Massachusetts Reports. Nothing particular happened and no Clients came in. Afternoon with Abby. I was paid for my low spirits yesterday by having a most delightful afternoon today. Such is the waywardness of human life. George came in and had some conversation. The political troubles. My father is now standing on a point. His attitude is commanding. If the future must be war, let it come. Evening, went with Abby to Mrs. Carter’s and called for her on her return. Commenced reading Pelham, a new Novel.1

Morning at the Office, occupied in reading Law. Nothing of any consequence occurred. Dined at Mr. Frothingham’s. Why is it that 346I should be more than fully tried? I detest these family affairs among “my wife’s relations.” This is the plain sense of my feelings. I am tried1 of going about to people’s houses as a pensioner, and I am tried of trying to be intimate where the difference of manners and feelings and character is such as to prevent the possibility of it. If this is to be a perpetuity, it is a curse, and I shall have eminent reason to repent my marriage. I hope this will not be the result. I love Abby dearly for herself alone, and I do not wish to marry her family. Had I seen her here, instead of at Washington where she was alone, I think I never should have had courage to pierce this Army. Evening, reading Pelham. My head ached, because out of complaisance I drank too much wine. Pleasant conversation with George.