It would be singular indeed, were I to permit your friendly note of March 9th. to pass unanswered, and not to thank you for forwarding the letter from the west-ward, which accompanied it,1 I should not have taken the liberty of desiring my correspondents to have addressed letters to me, to the care of the Presidents secretary, had I not experienced the basest treatment thro’ the line of the Post offices; for every Letter I addressed to Mrs: Smith from May, to the 3d. of November, have been intercepted and never reached their address, to the amount of eleven in Number—& I find upon this ground, resentments have been cultivated, and by some, it has been considered, as an intentional Slight from me to my Wife— tho’ I rank myself amongst the last, who should receive this censure, and tho’ I am confident no man in justice, was less exposed to such calculations, still I find in the minds of some, this, with other high and flagrant crimes, have been laid at my door, circulated with avidity, and credited with apparent pleasure— as your letter contains the only expression of regard that I have received from the family, since my return, accept of my thanks for it; and to gratify my own feelings, I shall always retain the impression it makes— It will appear singular even to you, who have many interesting lines of sensibility in your composition, that from my Wifes friends, I have not received one complimentary line on the subject of my return, and I am not acquainted with any congratulations, that she may have received, indeed I doubt whether any have been made— this you will readily conceive, touches my sensibility, and perplexes my mind— perticularly, when I can look back with an unoffending heart, and review my conduct to my Wife and family for nearly 12 happy years, and no circumstance crosses my recollection wherein I failed in any of the important Duties, either of a Husband, a father, a son or a Brother— to what then must I attribute the Horrid state that I find myself in? but I do not mean to address myself to you my dear madam, in the line of complaint, or censure, it is only in the line of 462 lamentation, “that such things are,” perhaps, the fault lays entirely with me, and I have not wisdom to deserve, or candour enough to acknowledge my faults—

With respect to my private, and pecuniary affairs, I am embarassed, because, I have relied too much on the integrity of others, and never supposed that my own, could be called in question, but I find, I have relied too far, upon a conscious integrity, and upon the justice of those, who called themselves my friends— I find myself wounded in my honor, by the false statements of wicked, and designing men, under the garb of friendship— of course I must vindicate that honor. I have insults and injuries, to revenge, and a station to recover from which, I have been cruelly and unjustly crowded— under these circumstances, I feel no diffidence in appealing to those, who have been acquainted with my earliest movements in life; who have been acquainted with the springs of my action, and the principles which have regulated my conduct, to my Companions in arms, thro’ the whole course of the last War,—to officers in the Enemies service—to my fellow Citizens, in my native City & thro’ the Continent, whether, under any circumstance, or in any of the various stations of public or private Life, either in a civil or a military Capacity, I ever dealt by them unjustly, or ever acted a dishonourable or an uncandid part?—

By some, who considered themselves above me in wealth or station, I know I have been considered as proud & haughty, and have sometimes been made acquainted with their complaints on that score— such complaints however, could have only effected me, had they been made, by my inferiors in station or purse, to them I also appeal, if ever I neglected their suit, or denied them my bread— confident and bouyant in the appeals I make, judge of my sensations, when I noticed the avidity with which the world took hold of the first charge ever made against my honor and my Conduct— be not therefore astonished that I wrap myself in my Mantle and retire in disgust from the World— Cæsar himself had not firmness enough to resist the stroke, when he saw the dagger of the assassign in the hands of his friends.

You may readily suppose this treatment has surprised, it shall also be a lesson to me hereafter—and at the same time, I may safely say with Bolingbroke, that I am far from being conquered by the storms of misfortune, I bear up against it with firmness enough—but it is true—the burst of the cloud had gone nigh to overwhelm me, from our enemies [we] expect evil treatment of every sort, we are 463 prepared for it—we are animated by it—and we sometimes triumph in it but when our friends abandon us, when they wound us, and when they take to do this, an occasion where we stand the most in need of their support—and have the best title to it the firmest mind finds it hard to resist—2 Your goodness will excuse the freedom of this letter—and your own mind will tell you that I do not complain of, but to you—

I would detail to you the prospect I have of rising superior to the attack made upon me, were I not satisfied, that I had better leave the circumstances to unfold themselves, least my projects should be thought visionary and delusive, however I really flatter myself, I shall readily overcome them and be free once more, to move in the storm that overshadows my Country Should it burst—and as I did before, acquire a degree of honest fame, and have hitherto been the founder of my own fortunes, I think I can with equal success, after I have rendered pecuniary justice to all; rub off the unmeritted blot on my coat, with my Sword—

With Great regard I am Dr. Madam / Yours sincerely

I write now because I know how it feels to be disappointed not because I have any thing to communicate of importance. I receiv’d your kind Letter of the 13th of this month1 what related to my dear 464 Son has given me great pain tis no more than I have fear’d. but his Father Says if he can get over these difficulties he will be as cunning as the ——— he does not speak wicked words you know. my fear is that they will hang like a milstone about his neck for a long time. tis cruil to involve a young man Struggling to get his living in Such a manner he had money enough passing thro his hands to have Secur’d himself many a time but it was always appropriated & he possessd too much integrety to touch it. I know he Sustains a good character & I trust he deserv’s a better fate than has yet befallen him. perseverence & prudence never yet fail’d of geting a decent living in the world & I believe never will I hope he will not be discourag’d & dispirit’d. if he has his health he will do well eer long. but he must rub hard at present. I am glad you have seen him tho I could not— I wish mr Greenleaf may be Set at liberty & mr morris poor old man I grieve for him & his Family.— they have too many companions in their troubles. every week produces Some instance of Such direful changes

Mr Little one of the Representatives of Boston Shut up last week, & many more must Soon Mr Black says.3 Lucy writes me “mama, don’t be concern’d about us we do not owe a farthing but what we can pay when call’d upon & we feel in good Spirits[”] people are fitter to their circumstances I think that is all I can say. but I can easily believe She is happier than many others whose affairs are all in a State of Suspence. She would run the risk she has & will never complan let her Suffer what she will but I feel the more for her dear Girl for this very reason. I think the Society at Doctor clark church do not give mr Greenleaf what they ought as orginest it is not more than half what Doctor Thatchers people give theirs as it is all mr Greenleaf can do I think tis hard upon him circumstanc’d as he is—4 I wish Mrs Smith was as happy as Lucy Seems to be, & yet when we compair their Situations it Seems as if mrs Smith had many resources to rely upon for future Support that mrs Greenleaf is destitute of— but why am I troubling you with my perplexities & cares. you have enough of your own. you have your private ones & that of our country besides. I feel for the President I feel for you both my dear sister & hope you will have all the Support from the People you can wish if not from their Representatives

I have seen a long address in the Chronicle to mr Sewall against the merchants arming their vessels I wish I knew who writ it. tis Said to be Judge Sullivan— I hardly believe it—5

I hope mrs Cushing will call & see me I am always glad to see her & Shall be double So if she brings me intelegence of the welfair of my Sister

I have Spoken to Stutson about your Strawbarry Beds he says he will attend to it as soon as the frost is out of the Ground. I will see that your garden is in order & seeds got in season

Sucky warner lives yet but grows weaker. She is in a happy State of mind & Suffers but little distress of Body—

The roads are So bad I have not seen mr or Mrs Norton for a month. they have had bad colds I hear Cousen Betsy has spent the day with mrs Black mr Black came here this morning & told me his Wife had sent him out to pick up some Girls he carried nancy Ordian & mrs Blacks Niece who had been upon a visit of a day or two at Capt. Brackits first.6 they will not return to night. we have spent our winter much pleasanter than I expected we should. I hardly thought I should go out of the house except to meeting a Sundays. but I have lived as neighbourly as possb[le] with mrs Black & mrs Bracket & have had ma[ny] rides & in general we have had very good hea[lth] mr Cranch is get much better & his cough is go[ne.]

you are very kind my Sister to endeavour to reconcile me to myself— I have as many good wishes for my Friends & as hearty a desire to do good in the world perhaps as most people—but my ability to manifest it is small

mr whitman will be requested to preach for us the year to come but not to keep the Schoole he would not have been long respected if he had keept the Town Schoole. respected I mean as a minister I wonder he should think of it. it was Capt Beals proposal

I have whiten’d your Stocking & they look as well as english ones Sister Smith is well for her Love as due— / from your ever affectionate Sister