I can never Sufficiently express my thanks or my gratitude for your last kind & affectionate Letter & you must not laugh at me nor chide me when I tell you that I sat & weept over it as if it had brought me some evil tydings I felt the full force of that maxim of Solomons “It is more blessed to give than to receive” But my dear Sister you must forgive me if I tell you I cannot accept your generous proposal—for tho I have not been able to return the Loan so soon as I expected I shall be in a capasity to do it some time or other— I hope soon—but I have met with so many dissapointments that I am affrai'd to promise any thing. I depended upon my dairy to discharge some small debts I was oblig'd to make in order to furnish Betsy we have lost four of our best cows in about a year & we are now oblig'd to turn off the best in our yard for a strange swelling she has under her throat which will kill her if it cannot be remov'd 394& so my prospect of a good dairy this summer is again blasted—but this is from the hand of a good providence & I must not complain I am sorry I have ever let any thing slip from my pen to give my Sister pain but my spirits are at times so low that I cannot always mantain that fortitude of mind which enables its posseser to behave with propriety under the various trials they may be call'd to sustain

I often feel myself surrounded with difficulties which I cannot remove— The necessary wants of a Family & of children are more known & more felt by the mistress than any one else & they are not a burthen where they can be easily supply'd— our Farm is too small to give us a living & pay the Labour & the Taxes notwithstanding mr Cranch Labours very hard upon it himself His Watch business which is very small here & the courts is all the ways he has to raise cash— The education of a Son & the Settleing of a Daughter are heavey matters where the income is so small. We have purchas'd nothing for cloathing but bare necessarys for several years I have exerted all my strength & all my abilities to manage with prudence & [economy?] whatever came under my department but what is this towards the support of a Family— I am mortified I am greiv'd that I cannot do more to assist my Friend. His not receiving his money for his publick Services oblig'd him to borrow While our son was at college & there has never yet been a time that he could get his debt but at such a loss as we could not think of but this we should not mind if he could get into any business I say any for there is nothing which is lawful that he would not do—which would inable him to work himself out of his difficulties— His abilities & his integrity may yet procure him a living not too labourous for his health & age this is the height of his wishes & of his ambition & I will hope that something may yet turn up to his advantage we do not look up to mr A as the Lady did you mention If he should ever be able to help him to any thing It will not be because he is his Brother or his Friend only we are greatly oblig'd to him for his good wishes

I have now my Sister laid before you some of the causes of my anxeitys—& if you can place yourself for one moment in my situation you will not say that I have no reason for my dejection—but I hope it does not arise to a sinful anxiety & discontent this is what I am constantly striving against I am naturally very chearful & having open'd my heart to you—I know I shall feel better— I have been oblig'd to wear a countinance which badly indicated the feelings of this heart least I should give pain to my Family—

The weather has been so very hot that I have been almost wore out with that & having so much work to do I have only a little girl of sixteen years old with me She is sprightly but ignorant—

I shall finish this sheet that it may have no connection with another which I shall write, but not to night for tis Twelve a clock now. & I cannot see streight—

so good night my dear dear Sister

I have been several times to your new house but I do feel such a want of my dear sisters smiling countinance that I do not know how to bear the house I go into the best Parlour & set my self down & view mrs Smith & the coll— this gives me some pleasure but I want to put little Jack in her arms I do wish to see & hug the little creature again that sweet archness in his countinance I shall never forget1

I have a pretty little Boy of my own a son of mr Hunts from the wist Indias mr Durant brought him for his health & to be educated he is five years old— he is a well behave'd amiable Cchild very sprightly & playful—but easely manag'd you know how dearly I love to have little Folks about me mr Durant wish'd me to take him & I have done it— He is as fond of us all as if we were his own Family—but I find I feel more anxious least any thing should befall him than if he was my own Son— He is not only the only Son of his Parents but all the child they have left having lost four they sent this away to save him. He told me last night that “God had been pleas'd to take from him all his Brothers & sisters but he had mark'd him for no dye”

Mrs Durant is just gone2 she has had a most painful consumtion— Sally Austen liv'd but a little while after you went away3 mrs Austen is intitled to all our pity. She behaves with great propreity—these my sister are trying Scenes indeed

Mrs Smith very unexpectedly got to bed with a Daughter about a fortnight since she wak'd with a cat of Mrs Greens upon her stomack—& it frighten'd the poor little girl six weeks too soon into the world4 it is a weak thing but we hope it will live mrs Smith was 396so frightend that she sprung out of Bed & ran into Nabbys chamber & lay upon her bed & cry'd an hour she thought it was a rat not having a cat in the house

your mother Hall I believe is well but I have been so confin'd by having such poor help that I have not been to see her

Mrs Pallmer & Daughters are well they look very nice & comfortable sister is with mrs Norton. she is—so so—but heaves many a sigh for aunt adams— Lucy has been in Boston for these ten days visiting about a thing she has not done for these seven years—

Cousin John spent a week with us at commencment— Thomas returnd with him & went to haveral & is not yet come home they were both well

Lucy wants much to know if you found your china safe— you met with better luck I hope than when you came from England

Mrs Alleyn is return'd she could not be contented from her son—

Mrs Brisler has her health remarkably well— her last Baby is a Picture the other is much better & stronger than it was

Mr Cranch has been at court these ten days & had it not been for my little Boy I should have been very dull

I went the other day to make Mrs Bass a visit at your old house I have never before sat down in it, but such a variety of thoughts arose in my mind as gave me both pleasure & pain— I am determin'd not to indulge these lonely feelings—having injoy'd a good for so long a time— shall the loss of it make me overlook all my present injoyments? It shall not I will add the past to the present & anticipate good things to come: this is much more rational & more Philosophical is it not?

I did design to have added more but I have an oppertunety to send this now